i think this is almost the norm, at least for people who aren’t making big changes in their gender path very early on. i think it can be assumed these feelings will never go away. what’s very hard is not knowing where they end. i am going through that right now, trying to find my conclusions. the idea of changing a lot about my body is really unappealing, but the idea of having to spend another 50 years as a man (i am 34) is also terrible. i see older men, and i just don’t want to be like them ever. they say women lose their “value” as they age, but i have seen some older couples where the man has aged a lot more gracefully than the woman and i know i would rather be her.
i don’t know what that’s supposed to mean, but it can feel like trans women whose conclusion is so much clearer don’t have a lot of respect for those of us who don’t jump to it as soon as we feel that envy.
the worst part is the way that women – or at least cis women, and certainly my wife can’t compartmentalise. she knows i have complicated feelings about my gender, and i know i need to explore. while she says she wants me to not hide anything, i don’t know where the honesty outweighs her anxiety at the thought of “losing” me.
i hope you find some answers. i don’t think they’re always that hard of adjustments, but that doesn’t mean we’re all prepared for them.