Of course they matter, we are shaped by everything we are exposed to both positive and negative. I grew up in a small industrial town close to Pittsburgh, good people that worked hard. But any society has people with underlying issues…alcoholism, abuse, poverty, addiction…and our house was no exception. My dad was gone a couple of nights a week for work, and when he was home he drank, slept, watched TV, and screwed my mom. When he was gone, my mom drank and screwed other men in their bedroom across the hall from the bedroom I shared with my younger sister until I was about 10 or 11. Like most children, the sound of my mother’s voice was reassuring, comforting…and listening to the sounds emanating from that room began a very early association with being fem and physical pleasure. I would dress in her intimates when she was not home, and some of the earliest moments of my own physical pleasure involved either dressing in her things or listening to her across the hall. Neither of my parents were shy about nudity, and I can still picture my mom standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror doing her makeup…naked. Same with my father…except the makeup part!…I remember seeing him naked in various states of arousal as well. Comparing her smooth, fem body to my dad’s hairy and masculine body, I found beauty and a sense of calmness looking at her, and 60 years later I can still envision her standing there.
So, life went on for me, like any boy in a small town. But, I had a secret and my association with femininity and pleasure, while suppressed for years came back into my life in my 50s, and Haley was actually born in August 2019 when I was already in my early 60s. So many times I ask myself why she stayed away for so long, and in my coming out discussion with a GG friend yesterday, she just said that it was because I could not have accepted her earlier, and maybe she is right. But that feminine role, and my desire to immerse myself in it, has come back with a force, pulling at me in ways that I never thought possible. My mother presented a very compelling image of femininity and always did, and it’s actually kind of cool that as I have aged, lost 40 lbs of fat and 5 lbs of body hair, and began taking care of my skin…when I am dressed I actually look like my mother! I never didn’t want to be a boy or a man until this point, and it does not appear to be going away.