Thank you Haley. This all makes a lot of sense to me, especially the changes with age. A part of me feels really bad about not mentioning any of this to my wife earlier in our relationship, but to have said “sometimes I feel like wearing women’s clothes,” would have seemed like an unnecessary complication when I hadn’t done it in many years. Being in a relationship for the first time too, I had also never felt more content to be a man either, so when things changed and I felt less happy to be a man it took me by enough surprise that I couldn’t call any reluctance to mention it as dishonesty.
I feel like the possibility that I just won’t want to remain a man for the rest of my life is very high. Being an older man seems much worse than being an older woman to me. Most people aren’t thrilled about ageing, but in the masculine form, it seems far less appealing to me personally. Maybe it has something to do with the simple truth that you can’t see older people of your own generation until you are one, but a part of me thinks that dysphoria will only grow. There were times in childhood I would wish I were a girl with more strength than I ever have as an adult, I think only because I was so unhappy. In that point in my life, I had the least control and that full life change was a stronger fantasy while now I think the desire to be feminine in itself may have grown and probably will.
Most of all, I don’t want to lose much anymore. A lot of trans women don’t even want to acknowledge their past, but I would rather keep it with me, even if my future were to look very different. This is why I have connected with the thought of being a goddess forced to live in a man’s body so much lately.
Either way, thank you so much for your insights.
Hearts and rainbows,
Aoife
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