Reply To: Help needed: family issues and I don’t know what to do


Hello girls,

I come here looking for your kind advice because I am in front of a crucial decision and really I don’t know what to do.

First of all, you have to know that, for working issues, my family lives in Peru and I live in Ecuador until December when they will move definitely to Ecuador. I don’t split out with my wife, it is just a temporary thing.

Last June I came out to my wife and kids (two teens, one boy of 16 and a girl of 14) that i am a transgender woman. At first they were really supportive and understand my decision and said they will be with me in my transition journey. But as I learned the first impression don’t always remain. After the initial shock, they began their own grieve process, my daughter was really amazing at the beginning, she started to call me by my name and use the right pronouns but about a month ago she had a existencial crisis and realize she miss her dad so much, so I looked for help and she started pshycological therapy last week. My son choose to wait until he finish high school in December to deal with my transition so my relationship with him remain as usual before my transition. And my wife at the beginning was very angry but today her anger has gone but she is in grieve for her lost husband and she is dealing with it to decide what will her do with our marriage, the option more probably is remains living in the same house as best friends, not as wife and wife.

Because the pandemic, I couldn’t fly to see my family since last march and I miss they so much. This is the first time that I remain far from they so much time in nearly 20 years of marriage.

So last weekend I told my wife I want to fly to Peru to see they and stay there for a month, so I can celebrate our 19th anniversary on October 20, my 17’s birthday son on October 27 and my 15’s birthday daughter on November 13. As they can see, it is a pretty important part of my year. But she told me that I always be welcome but, as they never saw me as Annette in the flesh it will be some issues that she was thinking deal on December when they move to Ecuador. And If I choose to fly to Peru in October we will need to deal with this in these days two months earlier when she think will be ready to do that.

So here comes the question: as I see I have three options and I kindly want your help to choose one:

1. I fly as myself, as Annette, to see my family and i will deal with whatever issues that may come, so maybe my time there will be not as pleasant as I will expect. This option maybe will hurt my family more than help as they because this is unexpectd and they have important thing to deal first until december.

2. I fly to see my family in male mode, that means a kind as detransition as actually my wife and daughter call me as Annette and accept and support my transgender condition. I think this is the worst option because maybe It will do more harm than good for all of us.

3. I don’t fly to see my family and wait until December when they will come to Ecuador. I will miss my anniversary and son and daughter’s birthdays for the first time and tell them that is for their own good, to give they time to deal with my transition.

What do you think? What option i should be choose?

Thank you in advance for your kind help, it will be really appreciated.




As my therapist constantly reminds me, it’s not either or.

If it were me in these circumstances, I would fly there in October and initially present in male mode.  I would keep my name and pronouns.  This will bridge the time gap of father and husband.  You will be there to celebrate their nost important days in October.  It would break my heart if I missed those celebrations.

You are there an entire month.  Once the bonds have been reestablished, I would transition while there to Annette so by the time you leave, you leave as yourself and you would have established yourself as Annette with your family.

When you see them again in December, they will know exactly who you are coming to see them, your wife and family.


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