I think that is a decidedly narrow view of masculinity. I see nothing un-masculine about loving, kindness or compassion. In fact, I have known several such men. I don’t think they we ALL trans and closeted. Maybe I am wrong about that.
But, that being clear, I appreciate that this is your experience. You express yourself well. You are a good writer. And, it sounds like you earnestly try to be a good person.
I suspect that if you dig deeper, you will find that the roots of your gender issues go much deeper than rejection of toxic masculinity. I can’t say that I have 100% figured mine out, but I am fairly sure mine isn’t the result of some social construct. I want to be a woman, not because of femininity, but because Iong to be a mother, to get pregnant, Carey a baby and be it’s mom. I like the female body, and that is socially who I want to be accepted as, but it isn’t a great love of femininity for me, or a rejection of masculinity. It is a desire to be accepted as a woman, and to achieve that, I would dress as women dress (a social construct) and act as women act (a social construct) as a means to an end (to be accepted as a woman). But, the social aspects isn’t what drives it for me. If I were the only person on earth, I’d still want to be a woman.