I am a mtf trans. Soon to be 50. I only recently realized that I am trans. I hid everything about me deep inside most of my life. I was a “closet cross dresser” since before puberty. I knew I was at least bi and had “abnormal “ desires towards males. The shame and realization of public perception caused me to hide my true self.
Keeping everything bottled up for so long was a disaster waiting to happen. A couple of years ago the inevitable happened and I hit bottom. Complete breakdown, I quit my job, started getting rid of everything and then tried to take my own life, numerous times and failed miserably like everything else I did in life. I finally walked away from my life and into a hospital that did not help very much, due to my severe social anxiety I couldn’t participate in their therapy that revolved solely around group therapy so I ended up on the curb with nowhere to go and no support.
I have struggled to deal with all my issues and have even tried bottling them up again just to survive and I am not accomplishing anything. I have not been able to find a counselor or therapist that is close enough and accepts the insurance I have plus has experience dealing with trans people. The general consensus around here is tolerance not acceptance.
I truly believe I am a woman in male body. I also believe it is probably too late in life for true transition. I have too many issues to work through and I will not be able to come up with the funds to pay for it.
Plus I know I couldn’t go through it alone. I have a tough enough time just dealing with day to day life as it is.
I am honestly not sure what I hope to find here I am kind of grasping at straws to figure myself out before my time expires.
I have reached out to different lgbtq organizations but there are none near my location. I want to be me and live as me. I have no interest in flaunting that in anyone’s direction I just want and need to find the real me so maybe I can finish my days out being comfortable with myself and maybe I can start to feel what happiness is.
I will stop for now.
If you need to talk send me a msg