Reply To: Should I go to my local Gender Identity Clinic?

[Stephanie Mac]

Roz,

I am with Michelle, I can’t say to go and can’t say to not go.  I am literally in the same place as you looking at a leap of faith.

I do think talking about your feelings and history is good for mental health.  I am looking to go to therapy to help sort me out, as my dysphoria (self-diagnosed) has increased and decreased with intensity since I was a kid (really since I was 13), but it never goes away.  For me, my dysphoria is lower in intensity when I am crazy busy, but lately it’s being sustained and for a longest period ever which has led me to accept I can’t run from it, nor will it go away.  25+ years, a wife, 3 kids, and a career haven’t helped, so I accepted that I am Trans to some degree.  Since I was in denial I never felt this was me, but since accepting it, I am more acutely aware of my dysphoria which is causing me more anxiety and sadness for being completely in the closet,, which as you know us a lonely place to be.  I mean, which CIS-gender Male looks at a woman and thinks, “wow, those are cute heels! And that’s nice they match her Gucci handbag, while her knee-length pleated A-Line dress matches the color of her nails”  – and then wishes I were her…my guess, none.  So I say I am closeted Trans and confused needing therapy.

I have many fears all primarily geared around losing my wife, my kids, my job, but also know I feel I owe my wife the truth.  Either way, I feel I owe her her chance at happiness, and if I can’t be happy and if my anxiety, and depression get indirectly pushed onto her (which I feel is happening) keeping her from experiencing happiness, it isn’t fair to her.

I am beginning to ramble, but lately (last 3 months) I feel some degree of pain about this every single day ranging from, “yeah..I want to be a girl” to tearing up about while working and preventing me from sleeping.

So this my long winded reply to take steps to see how you feel from day to day vs going to a clinic and potentially outing yourself or not.  I think there are online help groups/chats and support numbers you can utilize to help you.

Take care and wishing you well.

Steph