I finally have embraced the concept and accepted who I am. MtoF.
Over the last week my dysphoria, self loathing and depression have been more active than ever. More intense than ever. Yesterday, I went into woman mode I could barely make myself look at anything without a new level of disgust for myself.
“What am I thinking?”
”everyone I know is going to hate me”
”I’m gonna get fired…”
and so on. Last night, I let Mallory out, put away my forced male side, and did things as my female self…Did my hair, makeup, lots of self care things. Today I felt better, but not there. Tonight I did it again. I looked in the mirror and I was happy. genuinely happy. looking in the mirror, I asked myself how can I continue to deny that this is who I am? My wife, (very supportive) walked in and said “I don’t know what you’re waiting for, stop fighting yourself, be you.”
It seems my true happiness and comfort comes from being the real me. I’m out to a small select number of people. I don’t know how long until I tell more. But I find that my true self is what gets me through. You aren’t alone. I’ve seen several you tube channels and in more than a few books I’ve read, from professional gender specialists and they say these feelings are quite normal.