Beautifully written Polly.
Not a week goes by where my wife and I don’t discuss ‘him’ often said with tears in her eyes.
I won’t pretend that at those low moments my resolve doesn’t waver and I catch myself before telling her not to worry it was a just a bad decision, I’ll take it all back.
Discussing the perceived selfishness in this situation with a therapist, her response was to ask me if my wife would be better off being married to a healthy happy person or an unhappy pretender.
Obviously the healthy happy me is the best choice, but at what cost? Cost to me? Cost to her? Cost to our marriage and children?
Is something dishonest but seemingly valuable worth the effort and sacrifice it takes to maintain the illusion? And to what end?
I think I went off on a tangent here, but everything comes back to grief so perhaps I didn’t lose my way after all….