I totally get the whole mirror thing. For as long as I can remember, looking in a mirror was just wrong. For years i refused to do it. Entire bathroom trips with my head down. I never knew why. Oddly, I never thought to ask why. I hated looking in mirrors because I had low self esteem. Why low self esteem? Never thought to ask. I grew up in an enmeshed household so it was fit in or be the outcast. Everytime I told my parents about myself it didn’t go well. No your not was all I heard about everything. I wasn’t allowed to have my own identity. So, now that I’ve started transition and while wearing pink I see ME in the mirror…yet I still have my parent’s voice in my head saying NO YOU’RE NOT. My solution is to counter it with objective facts:
I’ve never taken myself seriously as an adult. I’m 39. I always felt like an incomplete person. Presenting as a woman…I feel like a complete serious adult. It’s amazing! I’m a whole person! I see ME in the mirror! In public I was always aware of the whole room, scanning to see if anyone was staring at me because as a half-person I felt goofy. Presenting as a woman…I’m aware of the people around me so as to not run into them, but I could care less if they’re staring. It was all because I didn’t take myself seriously and was projecting. The first few times in public presenting as a woman I watched everyone around me as I passed and never knew how much everyone minded their own business. I was afraid they were staring while living as a man. Its AMAZING how much your perception of yourself affects your perception of the world around you. I’ve gotten a couple of second glances but they always went back to their own business like “what did I just see?… …Oh, never mind.” And I’ve gotten two genuine, unsolicited compliments from strangers in public while presenting as a woman. It’s like the universe is saying you go girl! And the sense of calm I get from presenting as female. Is this how most people live? Not as a mess of anxiety? Life is awesome. Also, the less I fear being judged by others, the less I judge myself internally. And the feeling of being complete. Its like my soul is forever embraced in an eternal hug from the universe. I caught my reflection in my phone screen while looking something up a few hours ago and it was awesome. It was genuine. Im more outgoing and have tapped into a sense of empathy I long ago locked away in grade school. Love yourself and loving others is that much easier. I always knew I had female emotions so I hid most of them away. All the lists of what your emotions will be like on estrogen…mine are somewhat like that now. And…the best part…the only thing I’m hiding now…is my social security number, lol I even see myself when I’m not presenting so much as a woman…its the woman I never knew I always was.
Once I added all that up…the no your not voice was like…well, damn, maybe you are. Yeah, maybe, lol
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