I’m naturally a shy person, very introverted. So that’s part of why I’m isolated. But it’s also about trust. I knew from an early age that I could never share who I really was with anyone in my family. I think that’s the reason I’ve always felt I had to keep so much of who I am to myself. After all, if I couldn’t even trust my family, the people who were supposed to love me unconditionally, how could I possibly trust anyone else? I never even shared who I really was with my ex-wife. I’ve never shared who I really am with anyone in person. This site and Suicide Forum are the only places I’ve ever revealed Autumn. Part of me feels like I have to protect her, and part of me feels like it’s too big of a risk.
I often fantasize about having friends who accept me for who I really am. Maybe it’s easier for me to fantasize about something like this because I have no friends. No social life. The only time I leave my apartment is for work and groceries. People at work are not friends, they’re just coworkers. I’m always guarded, never revealing any more than I have to about my life, so people know very little about me. I basically live in a shell all the time. Always on guard. Except at home. Where I can be Autumn.
So for me, I guess I’m able to handle the isolation because in isolation I’m able to be myself, and I love it. As far as the future is concerned, I don’t know. Right now, the social life is a fantasy.