Not quite the same but I do relate to what you’re going through. MTF here and I’ve been through 2 similar experiences. About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression related to ADHD and was prescribed anti-depressants. Anti-depressants have side effects and I was worried. What worked for me was going into it with the mindset that I can stop if any of them are bad enough. T causes permanent changes, I know. But so can anti depressants. You get to know what life is like without being depressed snd going back can make the depression worse because you’re more aware of it having something to compare it to. What finally got me over the hump, so to speak, was missing a few doses in the beginning (getting used to remembering to take them) and having a very real comparison of what depressed vs not depressed is. After about the 2nd or 3rd missed does I was 100% sure going back was not an option. I took steps to stop forgetting and the benefits far outweighed the side effects in the long run. One of the side effects of the anti depressants I’m on is that it can cause occasional diarrhea while adjusting to them and very rarely after that. Lets just say I have few fastfood bathroom stories that…well…I can say with certainty that what I went through ranks in the top 1% of embarrassing toilet stories. I still can believe what happened was even possible. Anyway, the point is…side effects. Are you happy living as you are not on T. Really think about it. If you’re posting here for reassurance you’re on the right track Im going to guess that at a minimum you’re not satisfied with how things not on T are. With my antidepressants it just took the realization that things cant continue as is and if anti depressants were the best option…well, anything was better than watching 14 hours of TV a day and being too sad to cry. Now, when it came to starting my transition. I was terrified of all the usual stuff and thought I might not even be trans for various reasons until, that is… I’ll save you the excruciatingly boring details, lol, but I started transition, got so far, had a panic attack that took 2 days to recover from.bThis happened 3 times. Again, I was given a good dose of life before and after only to realize that life before was not a life I could continue with. The one thing that kept me goung back to transition despite the fear of another 3 day panic episode was 1) I’m a woman. Any questions? lol and 2) I once heard somewhere the best advise I can give anyone ever. Imagine yourself on your death bed right now. What do you regret? How does that feel? Remember that feeling and stop it from becoming a reality.
Hope that helps 🙂