Reply To: How do you experience gender dysphoria?

[Alexandria (AKA Alex)]

Hi Hillary, thank-you for the question, I’ll add my little story. I lost my parents at 8yrs, abandoned. I had no mother/female figure while growing up, so what I was..what internal gender…was a mystery to me, and of no interest to anyone else. My gender dysphoria started at around 12yrs old with puberty, that masculine transition caused a deep disgust of myself to the point of not accepting any image..as me. I became anorexic too. I have always worn my hair long (mid chest length) that I use to disguise my face whenever possible. That got me in plenty of trouble at school. Until 17yrs I didn’t have to shave so no need to look in mirrors, so I never did. That has been the case ever since, I have to prepare myself before looking in a mirror even now. Shaving foam on before looking in the mirror. As a transwomen in transition…it is still there; and I know I don’t look the same. It comes in waves rather than constantly now. When I see the women I am becoming, I’m so happy. If I’m caught in a photo and I see it…I crash into a deep depression which can last for hours. I just can’t bear to look at the outside of myself, especially if caught off-guard. It is a real self loathing, seeing male characteristics on my face and body is just unbearable. I’m hoping when I am fully transitioned, it will fade. I read that actually it doesn’t for many but feel for me it will.