These are not my first three childhood memories, though they are the first three trans memories for me.
#1 this is my first memory. I can not go back any further though I have tried.
I was 5, the day was Halloween. The neighbor was taking us to school. We were to have a costume party that day at school. I was confused as I was in the car with the prettiest ballerina wearing a pink leotard and tutu with blond hair gathered into braids.
“Who is this little girl,” I remember wondering? I don’t remember playing with her in the neighborhood.
Then “she” greeted me. I was totally shocked as this little girl was the driver’s son, Fred. After recovering from my confusion I was depressed the rest of the day, my party ruined. For it was then that I realized I was not a girl and would never be one though I deeply longed to be just like that little ballerina.
#2 – 9 years old. The neighborhood kids, my sisters and myself were in the garage playing together. There was a large box of old clothes so we began to play dress up. As I dug through the box I found a cute pleated brown skirt. I remember without a moment’s hesitation I slipped it on over my pants and began to walk around the garage stating, “I’m a girl everyone. Look I am a girl.” Everyone laughed at me. I was devastated and through tears spoke back, “No, for real, I’m a girl.” The mocking / teasing continued. I took off the skirt and left the group to go cry.
#3 – my two sisters and I were home alone. I must have been about 11 or 12. My sisters wanted to play in the lawn sprinkler so they put on their one piece bathing suits. I asked if I could join them and if it would be OK to wear one of their swimsuits. I made them promise never to tell dad or mom. They agreed and three “girls” ran and had a delightful time playing in the sprinkler. I remember feeling so natural and right in that swimsuit and in that situation. Never had any activity up to that point in my life brought me such delight. Later when we had to change out into our street clothes, I remember feeling so deflated and foreign getting back into my boy clothes.
For as long as I can remember I have longed to be a girl / woman and today self identify as a woman.