Reply To: First three childhood memories

Emily Alt

Here my 3. Sorry in advance for the long post.

1. This is one of my first memories as a child. When I was 4, I went shopping at a local department store with my mother, sister, aunt, and cousin. At one point we were all in the women’s dressing room. I wandered into an empty stall and found a bra, which I tried to put on. Unfortunately my aunt walked in a minute later and snatched the bra away. She gave me a stern warning that boys should never wear girls clothes. AFAIK, she never told my mother, or at least I never heard of it again.

2. When I was 11, I became curious about my mother’s lingerie hanging in the bathroom or laundry room. I would run my hands over the fabric and notice how much nicer it felt than my rough cotton undies. One day I worked up the courage to put on a pair of panties. I quickly became excited and almost made a mess! Lingerie = pleasure! I was hooked! Over the course of several months I progressively wore more of my mother’s lingerie, to the point of fully dressing in her panties, bra, hose, and girdle. I also discovered wearing lingerie was more than a means to physical pleasure. I felt an indescribable sense of peace and calm. Nothing else in my life came close to replicating what I felt. I daydreamed about what it would be like to be a girl. When the time came to take off the lingerie, I felt like I was losing a part of myself. I hated taking it off. One day I decided I needed lingerie of my own, and that led to number 3.

3. I was 12 and didn’t have any money. Never mind that buying lingerie was simply not possible for a boy in the 1970’s. I decided to pinch a pair of mother’s pantyhose. I’d developed a special love for hosiery, so it was top of my list. My plan was to gradually pinch more items. Well, 12 year old male logic tends to be faulty. My mother noticed the missing pantyhose the next day and went on a unsuccessful hunt. She assumed my sister took them and was lying about the theft. Clearly this plan wasn’t going to work. I needed a Plan B. I found it in my neighborhood. I would sneak out of the house at night and scour neighborhood clothes lines. Most families didn’t own clothes dryers so the pickings were ripe. It was a dark time that I’ll always regret.  Yes, I was a juvenile delinquent for several years. I never got caught in the act. But each of my parents found my stash on separate occasions. Amazingly neither of them told the other. But each occasion was ugly in it’s own right. Of course I went on one more campaign. Then I stopped. Around that time I went away to school and brought my stash of lingerie with me. I lived alone in a small apartment. For the first time ever, I could freely wear lingerie, which I did. I often under dressed when on campus. Eventually I got a part-time job and a credit card. I bought my first lingerie items and a pair of high heels from J.C. Penney mail order when I was 21. I had no idea that was the beginning of a decades long struggle with gender identity that wouldn’t end until I was 55.

Thanks for reading.  Emily

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