Started dressing as a teen, and dismissed it as a phase. In my 20s I labeled it a fetish. I think I began accepting it was neither some time during my late 20s early 30s. It was then that I started to allow myself to ask the question “am I really a woman?” Most times I would still answer “I dont think so” and when I did start saying “yes, I am” I’d quickly dismiss it.
“It can’t be. No way. This is so difficult and complicated, the answer cannot be that easy,” I would say in response.
I now realize I was making excuses, and could not cope with the truth. I have been doing that for decades.
I think I knew something was very different even as a little kid (5-6-7 years old). I felt like no one really understands me… which morphed into no one gets all of me. How could they get all of me, when I was keeping such a massive part of self hidden.
More recently, I have been more honest with myself and my spouse. She has helped in that she is not rejecting me out of hand though she has struggled terribly with it. I think we have both been “transitioning” together actually. We have been talking more about it, and I have more recently decided that if the opportunity comes, I will begin by discussing hormones with a doctor (its only on hold now as I am fighting cancer and that has to be my priority obviously).
Denial, coping, fear, anxiety — hell — probably has made me sick — literally. I have been down the shoulda-coulda-woulda road but that is a dead end. I am where I am, and I have to contend with what is in front of me. I hope those reading this and unsure will be inspired to act — to be the true self sooner rather than later.
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