Reply To: Am I really mtf? How do I tell my wife?


Hi new GF! You are struggling between your desire/need to dress as and emulate a woman. Should you decide that occasionally dressing, using shapewear, breast forms, etc. is enough to allow you to feel more settled and calm, then you would be more a crossdresser, but it’s just semantics to me. I have been a closeted CD for over 60 years (more off than on, but I started as a preschooler).

I finally revealed the femme side of me to my wife of 40 years in July 2021. We have managed to stay together, and through dressing more often and therapy I have come to the realization I am a transwoman and started HRT in late November. I never hated my male body, but I was so closed off from everyone for fear they would find out what I hid away, I wasn’t really living ir giving my wife and family enough of me.

My wife is one of the exceptions – most SOs that learn about this after a long period together can’t handle the loss of trust and end up leaving the marriage. If you do decide to reveal your feelings to your wife, I suggest you have a marriage therapist you trust to help you through it. I also Highly recommend a separate therapist that specializes in gender dysphoria and LGBTQA+ clients.

Telling your wife about this is so tricky. My wife wanted all the details up front and I think I overwhelmed her with how deep I am into it. She was originally empathetic, seeing how broken I was. But that changed to anger and resentment after she had time to dwell on it a bit. She was afraid I wanted to “become a woman” (this was before I found my need to transition), that I wanted her to be like my pictures and be more of a “hottie”, or that she wasn’t enough woman for me or I wouldn’t pursue crossdressing. None of that was true, but with the breach of trust, she couldn’t allow herself to believe me.

As I got further into therapy, both my therapists saw that I would never be fully engaged or feel complete so long as I repressed my feminine side. Now my wife has accepted my need to do HRT, but she still is adamant that it’s over if I get a vagina. I’m not thinking that for now, but I was honest with her that after being on estrogen for a couple of years, I may have to rethink it.

That’s the problem with gender dysphoria, you don’t know what all it will take until you get there. I know there are a lot of people here or on the Crossdresser Heaven site that will disagree, but I think crossdressign is part of the gender dysphoria world and CDs are trans people that just haven’t started HRT or had surgeries. It doesn’t mean most CDs will go further – it just means we all have a spot on the spectrum where we are comfortable. Some underdress, some dress fully, some go out and live as a woman, some transition. There isn’t any right or wrong response to our need to bring the womanly feelings out as long as we are honest with ourselves and others.

We can’t control what someone will say or do, we can only control what we choose to tell them about ourselves. Your wife may surprise you and be willing to stay alongside the new you, she may not be able to handle it. But from what I learned, I took that option away from my wife by hiding all this from her.

I wish I had a more positive, clearcut response, but this is something each person has to work out with their SO. I do know trying to repress it doesn’t work (believe me I nearly drove myself to a breakdown in trying to fight what I knew about myself versus what everyone else expected me to be).

Hugs and kisses,

Brielle 💋

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