Reply To: I recently dicovered I’m trans, and my whole world fell apart


Hi Liza. What a lovely name. I only just came out at the age of 61. That was back in September. Over the years before then I would recognize something about myself, something about wanting to be a girl or a woman based on my age. But I also knew on those occasions that was not possible, that I could never do that. It was unacceptable. And so I would just kind of smash it back down into the ground, forget about it until it eventually came up again maybe in a few months, maybe a couple of years, just whenever. But for the most part I managed to keep her – really myself in my place. It was, after all myself that I was stomping into the ground
<p style=”text-align: left;”>When I finally could not deny her any more and realized I was going to have to come out I had many worries. What would my wife think – would she stick with me? What would my kids think? What would my parents think (they were actually pretty cool once I told them – last – I never saw THAT coming😂)? What would all my friends think?  So at first when I came out it was not to everyone. Just to my wife, children and sisters. I’ve already been living with my parents for quite some time on an as needed basis because they are very very old and simply cannot get along without help. But I really felt like there was no way I could tell them anything.  So I had clothes and shoes hidden in boxes, suitcases, under the bed and anywhere else which I thought was safe. It was really quite something. You’d have never guessed just how much was packed into there! 😁 When I wanted to dress I would throw an outfit, some shoes, some knee highs, tights (I love tights – I have some wonderful tunics to go with them) or pantyhose and my makeup in a bag and head out somewhere with a parking lot and go to an area that had very few cars and there put on makeup and get dressed. Always with a wary eye out for cops.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Then I would go where I wanted to go which would be somewhere that nobody would ever know me.  It would be a serious fluke if someone did. I took some risks. I would usually wear a dress to church on Sundays (still do) and then go to the mall where I would eat some lunch and shop. Usually the department stores, especially JCP. I was really wanting to learn to do better at make up so I went to Macy’s and found a nice girl behind one of the counters and explained who I was and that I wanted to learn a little something about make up because I wasn’t sure about how to apply it and could she help me a little. She helped me out with some foundation and showed me some lipstick and so on. I bought what she offered. I’m pretty good at the foundation. The lipstick is a work in progress but I’m getting better all the time. Mascara not bad but still a bit to cleanup around my eyes after applying. Eyeshadow not bad most of the time. By the way there are some wonderful makeup tutorials on YouTube. On a week previous I had gone to a perfume counter and found somebody very helpful and asked to check fragrances and again explained who I was and that was why I was looking for a fragrance  and he also was very kind as if though it was nothing and I found a fragrance that I liked. That perhaps more than anything has made me feel like the girl I am.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>All of which is to say, if you’re sneaky and careful all at the same time you can get out there and have a little time out in the wide open public as yourself. I will emphasize the word careful. Because it can all go south on you in a heartbeat. But I will reiterate what somebody else said – be careful out there. As you know there are LGBTQ-phobes and haters and some of them are not above inflicting harm. And we sort of have a double whammy. Because some will simply perceive us as women and you never know what kind of people they are. Could even be rapists. Some of them will see us and realize that we are male bodies under the dresses. They will say we’re men of course, but we know we are women. But that’s the perception and for most people perception is reality. So you have to be careful. I told a story here one time and I’m not gonna do the whole story but simply say that I was going to pull into a convenience store one evening and as I started to pull in I saw a couple of guys next to the door and they were shady enough looking for me that I had serious concerns. And when I considered the surroundings which weren’t the best and sparsely  populated I just knew this was not a place for me to get out of the car and go into that store. Maybe in my previous life it probably would’ve been no big deal but I was not taking any chances now that I’m Abby. My counselor which, btw I agree you definitely need to get one said to me this is how it is being a woman. She’s a wonderful woman herself, works only with the transgender population and their s.o.’s. I love her dearly and her saying that made a difference for me. What she emphasized is that you’ve simply got to be continually aware of your surroundings. It kind of sucks sometimes but that’s just the way it is. Anyway, this was pretty close to stream of consciousness I think. Sorry. 😁 I would just like to say welcome and I wish you well and I hope the day comes when you can simply come out without reservations and embrace every aspect of womanhood.</p>


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