Again thanks for the encouragement to write some more about my life story. I am sure we all have had very different experiences. being trans is not easy. I am sure we have all had our problems and faced tough decisions to make. Plus the worry about passing as we went through transition.
I left off when I realized that being on blockers, I still had my “child like” higher pitch voice that sounded enough like a female voice that it would make it much easier for me to pass. Also through my teenage years I continued to grow, but nothing like my male classmates. My school had grades 7-9 as middle school and then you actually started in the high school as a sophomore. It was obvious the gap in growth had widened between me and my male classmates. I had always played a lot of sports, but I as I started 9th grade I realized I was probably just going to get hurt or pushed around if I played on the football team. Even keeping up with the guys if my gym class had gotten harder. Most of them were bigger, faster and stronger. I also noticed that my female classmates wee changing which made me very envious.
So my life more and more focused on becoming the girl I dreamed of becoming. By this time I had received clothes from my older sister that she had outgrown or didn’t like. My closet had more female clothes than male clothes. While at home I almost always dressed as a girl. What I began to realize is that I needed to try and go out dressed as a girl. The one one thing I was missing was shoes. As a boy I basically wore the same pair of shoes every day, but as a girl I would need lots of shoes. So one day my mom and sister took me shoe shopping. I was dressed as a boy. When we got to the store I measured my foot and then they helped me pick out some shoes. I remember getting three pairs of shoes that I would need for different occasions. My hair had grown enough that my mom and sister could help me style it like a girl – like putting it in a bun or pony tail. So I ditched the wig and started going out dressed completely as a girl with a little makeup and hairstyling my sister helped me with. My first time out was going grocery shopping with my mom and sister. I was really scared, but it went well. I was able to pass. Eventually I learned that my biggest problem in passing was the bulge between my legs that I needed to hide. That meant choosing clothes that would “hide” my bulge. By this time my sister had gotten very confident in my passing and since she was now driving, she would take me clothes shopping so I would have clothes I picked out, but always with her help and advice. Mostly I got dresses and skirts and tops. I got a couple pairs of pants, but not too tight through the crotch. One day while at The Mall, we were just about ready to leave when we ran into one of my sisters friends. She introduced me as her sister. By now I had decided on a female name. Well my sister actually picked it out – Jennifer since we both loved Jennifer Aniston, the actress. Which is now my legal name although I go by Jennie. Anyway my sister began taking me along when she went shopping with her friends or just hanging out at The Mall. I loved this and really helped me develop a confidence that I could pass. I remember my sister saying, if I could pass in front of teenage girls, I could pass in front of anyone. So anyway when I told my therapist about this, she asked if I wanted to start coming to these sessions dressed as Jennie. She wanted to see how I looked dressed. at first that psyched me out, but I agreed to try it. So for my next appointment I went as Jennie. My sister helped me with my makeup and styled my hair with a ponytail. My therapist was impressed. She said I looked great and even said, if she hadn’t known she never would have guessed I wasn’t female. So my confidence was really growing. For my next appointment, I dressed as a girl. When I got called back from he waiting room, the lady said, “Miss Shaw.” That was my maiden name. Of course when I got married two years ago I took on my husband’s last name. That caught me by surprise and I just sat there until she repeated “Miss Shaw.” It suddenly sunk in, she meant me. Since my therapist knew I would come dressed as a girl, she had my name listed on the appointment calendar as “Jennie Shaw.” I was thrilled to be addressed as “Miss Shaw.”
Meanwhile I was getting closer to turning 16, a date that I had circled on my calendar as I could start on female hormones. I began seeing a doctor about starting as she would eventually make the decision that I could start on the hormones. So the big day finally arrived and after school I had an appointment with the doctor and I walked out with a prescription!!!
I better stop again. so more when I get a chance.
