I have felt the desire to be a girl ever since I first dressed up with my stepsister on Halloween as part of a dare. But I could never shake that constant longing to live as a girl, and love as a girl. I have lived these 45 years in the dark hiding my secret. Only coming out in the open for a night out. Swearing never to go back only to find myself hating myself and vowing never again to let her have place in my life. My ability to suppress her would very over the years. Reaching a point when I had to let her out or I would explode. Only to feel the shame and guilt later. But as of the last few years the ability to suppress her is waning. It is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of as I fall asleep. And all throughout the day I feel that desire to just be her. Wishing everyone knew and terrified they might. I thought perhaps the increased desire was due to a drop in testosterone levels as we get older, so I tried some testosterone boosters but I still feel that raging desire to face the world as a woman. In every aspect. Sometimes I feel like I will go mad. Or perhaps I already have been turned over to a reprobate mind.
I feel the exact same way. I once read something a therapist said that seems so true when it comes to the desire of being a female never fully going away. She said this…..It’s like the ocean. The tide comes in and goes back out but the water is always there.