Oh Katie, I’m so sorry you had a bad ending to the session. It really hurts when the one we hold dearest can’t see past their perceptions and at least give it a chance. But in your wife’s defense she thought she married a “whole” man and she feels completely betrayed. If your wife had come to you and said she wanted to start taking testosterone, dress like a guy, and get a prothtesis, how would you react?
I read an article on Medium recently that pointed out we have to own that betrayal and recognize what it does to our SOs. That doesn’t mean we heap self-guilt or negative thoughts on ourselves, but we can’t just say they need to adapt to us, or say it’s their problem. Letting them know how much we hate doing that and trying to put yourself in their place can go a long way towards a real dialog.
If she won’t go to couple’s counseling (if that’s what you both want to save the marriage) then you are forced to choose, unfortunately. My wife and I are still married and talking with a therapist, and we’ve had some brutal conversation about first my CD-ing then my need to transition.
She is making plans to move to her own place to reset (a lot of it has nothing to do with my reveal). I don’t know if we will get back together, stay separated, or divorce. Whatever is best for her (other than me not transitioning) I want to do for her benefit. Hang in there and don’t let initial anguish cause either of you to do anything rash. I hope you can both find what you need – even if it isn’t what you both want!