Hi Sarah, I’m so sorry you are so conflicted. It’s not a sickness or something detestable – or at leaswt it shouldn’t be. Medical experts have now found there are many moving parts in how our genetic codes are formed during gestation. Hormones may or may not fire properly leaving someone physically one sex, but mentally and emotionally another. Or neither. Then there are people who are intersexed, but not always apparent externally.
It’s all an infinite continum of pre-birth development and life experiences. The sad thing is society, religion, and other stigmatizing influences keep us from knowing, accepting, and expressing who we really are. If you haven’t done so yet, please meet with a therapist or counselor experienced with LGBTQIA+ clients. They won’t sway you, but will help you to know how you feel inside and allow you to make decisions based on that knowledge.
If you are religious, you must stop doing what I did for decades, believeing you are not loved and accepted by God. We are! We have been misled by bad translations and worse interpretations by (maybe?) well-meaning religious leaders who have their own inherent biases. Don’t believe what they say about the LGBTQIA+ community because they are just flat-out WRONG!
I hope you can find your safe spaces – know that this site is probably the safest one there is. We all love yoiu and affirm you. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. We’ve all been there.
Lots of Hugs,