Thank you Shiloh. I do have a good therapist I got lucky enough through a transgender center. He himself is cisgender I think. I’m not sure but he presents that way and uses he/him pronouns. He has had me doing some activities like drawing myself as I see myself rather than what I was assigned at birth, and doing self-concept workbooks as my former self and as my true self. I doubted myself because I never really formed a strong sense of gender identity. I just became what people around me decided I was.
I think I am grappling with several aspects all at once. Suddenly I am accepting that none of what I was pretending to be was true.
I trust myself that three things are true:
1. I have already accepted that I am a woman. I don’t even feel trans. I just feel stuck in this male body. I wish I could get pregnant and give birth. I know that wont happen, but I feel so free that some day everyone will see who I really am.
2. I have a female identity. I have some masculine identity but not much. If I could choose I would have been born with female anatomy.
3. I am attracted to women, or at least people that express themselves as women. For me this is in a romantic and emotional sense. In a sexual sense I am attracted to female anatomy. I do identify as lesbian. I don’t think I would care if she were a trans woman or cis woman.
I know why I am afraid to trust myself. I have lived in denial my entire life without even knowing it. I think that now that I have accepted myself the gender dysphoria is hitting me hard. I think in the past I just numbed myself to it and could not name it. I also know this because after improving from medication for depression and other mental issues, I still had a lingering sense of wrongness.
It feels like toxins leaving my body. Its horrible but I know I will feel much better afterward.