Reply To: Shame a simple word but very powerful

#131112

“Shame…”

I know that emotion and feeling so well. Like so many here have mentioned, it was introduced at a young age and used as a tool to form who I was ‘supposed’ to be to fit into our society and community. It was used to draw a line for me on what was and wasn’t acceptable, and helped me to know what I had to hide about who I was and how to ‘be’ when I wasn’t alone and in private.

I also started out buying womens clothes, before the internet was a thing, under the guise of shopping for a girlfriend or my wife… That was my story I had decided to go with if anyone asked me why I was shopping for womens wear. I remember walking into the womens section and feeling my body tingle and tremble with fear and excitement at the same time.

My first few purchases were hurried for sure, quite sure I was sweating through everything I was wearing as I checked out. And this was prior to self check out lanes being a thing in stores… Knowing where the line was in my head, made me feel like a first class pervert and deviant for sure. In my mind, I had a million thoughts racing about, and all of them centered around how much shame would be involved if someone figured out the items I was purchasing were indeed for me.

As time went on, I managed to bury how and who I was inside my mind through getting married and starting a family. Things were good, I seemed to feel like a normal “male” and was treated as such, and I began to think it was all behind me and just a phase I had expeirenced. I felt happy, I thought life was good and this would be who I was finally.

Sadly though, it was not meant to last and my wife up and decided she didn’t want to be with me anymore and we separated. It was a terrible time in my life to be sure, but it was also a time in my life when I began to let myself let those buried feminine feelings and emotions back into my mind and not try and ignore them, I just let them live in a sense.

Of course this was now the age of the full blown internet and I took a front row seat to it all. As time went on, after consuming massive amounts of CD/TV pornography when I didn’t have my child, I began to accept that I wanted,  o needed to feel how womens clothes felt on my body.

As time went on, m plan began to take form, from what I read Goodwill would be a good first attempt, and it was. I was able to find many feminine clothes while looking through the mens section alone. If you are familiar with Goodwill stores, you know they aren’t always as careful as they could be when putting out their items on the racks.

Mind you, I’m not saying they had dresses and skirts in the mens section, but if you take your time you can find more feminine than masculine items to buy. So that’s what I did, and you know what? The cashier never batted an eye as I checked out. I walked out of the store, feeling like I had won the lottery with my purchases.

As time went on, I found that buying womens clothes on the internet was so much easier on me emotionally. Online shopping and buying completely erased all that guilt and shame for me. And I noticed that without it, I began to grow. I began to accept that this side of me is okay, and therefor I’m okay.

shame, guilt, embarrassment… When will we stop living in the past and grow as a society???

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