Have you sought a professional to discuss these things with? I’m guessing your anxiety and such will continue until you sort this out. I finally, after 66 years, finally decided to seek help. I’m glad I did. Warning: Be careful who you seek care from. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t continue and look for someone else. My first attempt to me was a waste of time, or perhaps it taught me to seek more carefully. The second time I met a professional, a therapist, who specialized in gender issues. I’m now well into feminizing hormones, electrolysis, and am tentatively scheduled for my vaginoplasty in March of 2023.
I hope this helps at least a tad.
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