After much pondering, working to reconcile my gender dysphoria with my orthodox Christain faith, which is as much a part of who I am as is my genuine sense of understanding myself to be something other than what I am genetically; i.e. male, I have reached this conclusion.
I am gender broken. All the evidence shows that I am objectively, genetically, and biblically male, yet for all my life, from my earliest childhood memory until this very moment, inwardly I have not been at peace with the evidence. Something is not “right”. My sense of inner self is that I am very much a woman.
Thus I am, through no fault of my own gender broken. I liken this condition; gender brokenness which creates to varying degrees gender dysphoria, to be much like Down’s Syndrome or some other similar and “unfortunate” genetic or congenital condition. Unfortunate is in quotes for I know far too many such people and their families who are much more beautiful people because such condition was theirs to manage. And they did so in such a way as to make it a huge positive in their lives. None that I know of “like” the condition, but all know that being faced with the confition and managing it well has made them better people.
I am gender broken. For various reason I choose to manage my condition heretofore apart from transition. However were I ever able to transition within the experience of an inner peace to do so I would do so in an instant.
To live my dream of relating to others and being related to by others as a woman would be sublime. I would be the most demure, modest, gracious woman who happens to be trans that I could be.
Whether I look like a man or look like a woman I can not escape the truth that I am gender broken; the in vogue term being trans. However according to Scripture I am fearfully and wonderfully made such by God. Therefore I embrace now and in the future the truth that I am a woman at heart. Trans is simply a term that more precisely defines the womanhood I have been given to live out.
Transition to full time womanhood or not I am now and will always be a woman who is trans.