Join the club, Jayde.
I’m trans, but have not begun any kind of transition. At this point, I’m thinking that I won’t. My wife’s position (although it seems to fluctuate, greatly) is begrudging acceptance of my “condition”. There have been times that we’ve gone out together, as girlfriends– shopping, having lunch, getting mani-pedis, etc. She’s bought me things (for example, dresses, earrings, make-up, perfume). She even admits that I’m a better person when I’m me, rather than him. She has told me that she thinks the anxiety & depression, that I once had, was because I was suppressing the woman that I am. She sees how happy I am when I can be the real me and worries that, if I stop, I’ll begin to resent her. So she has offered to “get out of the way” & let me pursue my happiness “because I love you so much”. But she is my happiness.
I’ve suggested that we could stay together. I’d still be the same person she married. “But,” she says, “you won’t still be the same MAN I married. I’m not a lesbian. I married a man. I don’t want to be married to a woman.”
I’ve always had a lot of integrity & been a person of my word. I don’t make promises that I can’t keep. I meant it when I made those vows to her. I can’t do this to her & I can’t live without her, so it looks like I will be denying my truth for her sake & the sake of my marriage. As I’ve said, before, I’d rather be a frustrated man than a lonely woman. I just hope that she’ll continue to be OK with my crossdressing (although her level of resistance, to that, seems to have increased), and I just hope that will be enough for me.
I will also maintain my connection with TGH, but worry that I’ll be torturing myself when I hear how the other girls are transitioning & finding themselves when I know I can’t.
Best of luck, Jayde. I feel ya, girl.
Dawn
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