Hi Anna, this is Aulura. I’m so sorry for the misery and abuse you were subjected to as a child. Its simply unthinkable to treat any child that way.
So, I knew I was different around nine. I wanted to be someone else, someone who was stronger or more athletic than me. I compensated by excelling with my mind in school. When I was a bit older I read books by and about trans women who chose womanhood over families and wives. I wondered why.
This whole thing got stronger in middle school. I liked girls and they openly despised me because I was attentive to them but not really cool or particularly boyfriend material. I began to want to be one of them.High school was the same except I finally got somewhere with a girl, actually one who was pretty loose. Fast forward to twenties had a few short-term relationships while other guys had sex and bonded with like-minded girls. I loved girls for being girls and thought I had become cool at last. But that wasn’t enough. started dressing girly a little, finally became brave enough to buy women’s stuff over the Internet. No girlfriends though for years. Read copiously about CD, trans,v being mtf, the works. Purged out of fear of discovery too. Been CD for about three years realized what I wanted was to be one, not just have one. Or two,whatever was cool. So about to have my first hormone doctor visit in order to transition.
Now not sure I should take the step of allowing myself to become physically and legally female. I’ve been diagnosed with gender days photos by a VA doctor and I see a therapist. They don’t agree on the wisdom of me transitioning. I think the hormone doctor may have something to say.