Thanks Missyjo. Hugs for you too.
Yes, I know what you mean. Most people don’t understand what it means to be trans. I don’t think they understand how it’s not a choice we make. It’s part of us. And I know what you mean about criticizing yourself. So many times when I cry at something emotional on tv and I berate myself for being so girly, I wonder why do I do it? It’s so stupid to criticize myself over being who I am; but I still do.
I really wish there was a way to flip a switch between my personalities. It just sucks when you wake up one day and suddenly you don’t feel like doing the things you would normally do. Seems like everything changes overnight. Just wish there was a way to control it more. Therapy may be an avenue I should try. I’ve been tossing around that idea for awhile now. Not sure I really like that idea.
Coming out is a different thing altogether. I would love to come out and just live as a girl; but it’s not that simple. I still have the male side to deal with. If I knew my personality was 90% feminine, sure, I would completely come out and live like that. But, it’s not like that. I still fluctuate between male and female on a fairly regular basis. It would be unfair to the male side to try to totally suppress that side of me. It’s not in my nature to want to do that. As a female, I try to help and nurture people, and not suppress them. My male side does the suppression, which is why it’s taken me my entire life to try to come to terms with this. Instead of suppressing my female side, I should have been trying to nurture it. The conservative values I was raised in didn’t, and doesn’t, help my situation either.
Thanks again Missyjo. I really appreciate your comments.
xoxo
A. Marie
