From reading what you’ve written, I can totally relate to you. I also knew from a very young age that I was different. I never talked to anybody about it. (In a way, I was largely ignored as a child anyway so there wasn’t much talking about who or what I was then.) I was into girly things, flowers, animals, etc. I never played sports. What I did know was that every time I looked in the mirror, the image in my mind that I compared my body to was feminine. Whenever I looked in the mirror, my mind said my breasts were too small, and my waist was too wide. All of the signs were there; but i don’t think anybody thought about it in those days. I remember prior to starting elementary school that I had forced myself to diet because I thought I was way too fat. In reality, I was a normal size for a boy; but something in my mind said I was too fat.
When I entered puberty, another piece of the puzzle fit into place. I remember finding my brothers porno mags; and it just so happens one of them had a feature on hermaphrodites. I was immediately drawn to it; and I told myself that’s what I was.. a hermaphrodite. It seemed to fit well. I was both male and female. I also realized that when I read the stories and articles about sex, I always fantasized about being the women in the stories, and wondering how it felt to be a woman having sex. Of course this lead to some experimentation on my part.
When I entered high school, it comes out again; and I let my hair and nails grow long. Small sign; but it was a sign of how I was different than every body else around me. It was also the first time that I told anybody that I was bisexual. I probably didn’t really understand what it meant; but I somehow related to it.
Looking back, I think that these small changes that came to light when I entered a new school was more of a response to being competitive with all of the new girls I was suddenly around. In a way they were conscious responses; but in some ways they were unconscious responses. Nobody told me to do them. I just did them.
My first experience with crossdressing came from an innocent elementary school Halloween party where all the girls dressed as boys, and all the boys dressed as girls. I don’t remember who’s idea it was; but I remember being very comfortable doing it. I didn’t crossdress again until I had moved out of my parents house and lived on my own. It’s a little funny, but my crossdressing started by me cutting the legs off of my underwear and making my own panties out of them. Seems silly to think about it. It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I actually bought my first pair of women’s underwear. Feels like I wasted so much time.
I mentioned that I came out as “bisexual” during high school; but to be honest, I’ve never had a “relationship” with another man. I’ve always sought affection from women; but having sex with women is almost impossible. The kissing, petting, and nudity is all fun; but when it comes time to the actual “sex” part, I no longer want to be with the girl. Instead I want to BE the girl. I did meet one man one time when i was still a teenager that I knew was very attracted to me. I was kind of attracted to him too. I gave him my phone number; but he called at a very bad time. My family was around me at the time; and I was too scared to make any plans with him. I never heard from him again. He was maybe the only man I can say that I was actually attracted to. Even when I’m in fem mode I don’t generally find men attractive. It’s just that one particular area of their body that I find interest in. I can recognize a good looking guy; but I have no desire to flirt or make out with them. I’m not sure if these are still mental blocks that I’ve created for myself; or if I’m really just not interested.
So in a way I’ve let a lot of opportunities in my life slip by. In a way it feels like my life has been a lie; and I have lots of regrets about it. It all stems from my insecurities in life. I’m wondering if I still have time to change; or if I should continue as usual.
Thanks for your time. Hope I haven’t said too much.
See ya,
A. Marie
