Reply To: What age did you know you were transgender?

[Jill Lacey]

I don’t think it ever crossed my mind really until maybe twelve years ago when I came out. Until then, I just hide this ‘thing’ I had for being a female.  The euphoria I got from expressing my gender as female was over coming. I felt so honestly female the feelings coursed through my veins but alas, they had to come to an abrupt end each time because I came from pre internet times and none of us I don’t think knew any differently other than seeing people like me in porn and I was not into that. I lived rural all my life so that made it harder also. I knew I was different. I knew I got my ass whooped when my father caught me dressed and wearing makeup at around age 8. I knew I was messed up knowing I was above average in non contact sports and still hiding in my room with some nylons or a bra that made me feel complete and free. I never ever asked myself why, why did I do this stuff. I simply did it. Over and over and over each purge. Seems looking back, each purge got bigger, first a simple item, eventually large garbage bags full of everything, only to start the collection all over again. How messed up was that?
At what age did I know? No idea. I knew I was different at probably around six. I accepted completely who I am twelve years ago when I went into a new relationship. I vowed to never date anyone without them knowing who I was, or at least who I thought I was, after all, do I still think I know who I am to this day? Not completely as the feelings and thoughts of myself seem to move like lava, slow, steady, quietly playing with my mind, my inner feelings, my femaleness and my maleness. It exhausts me at times so I try to avoid dwelling on it but sometimes the dysphoria is overwhelming. It’s ok, It’s just another day in the life of…

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