I appreciate the question and all the answer. I found value in reading everyone’s thoughts. All that said my answer to the question, “do you want to be a girl?” is still unequivocally, yes, except at this stage of my life to make it age appropriate I will declare it thus, “yes, I want to be a woman.”
Yet as someone has pointed out this must mean,”do I want to be a woman physically; because I already am a woman in my heart.” I have never called myself a crossdresser, because I never sensed that I was a man who liked to wear woman’s clothes. To me crossdressing was like masquerading. I was simply giving the illusion that this person was female though under all the clothes and ultimately when they came off there was still a very male body there.
For me it has always been, “I don’t want to look like a woman, I want to be one.” And over the course of many years of soul searching I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to be a woman because I am a woman. As a born again Christian whose faith is as much a part of who I am as is my own unique womanhood I have been able to reconcile this conundrum this way, “I am a woman (though not female) who at this point has been divinely tasked with male responsibilities based on my personhood as established by my male body.” Such an explanation works for me though it doesn’t make the gender incongruity any easier to bear at times.
I have had the opportunity to speak with a medical doctor who is a full time trans woman. Part of her practice is to help in the early stages of one’s transition. When I told her all that was in my heart about what I desired for my life without hesitation she said, “Charlene listen to yourself. Everything you long for is what the typical woman longs for in her life. The typical man doesn’t desire to be a wife or get pregnant and be a mom. Charlene you desire these typically female experiences because you are not really a man, you are a woman at your core.”
I resisted that diagnosis for some time, but over the course of time since then I had to finally yield to the fact that, “yes, I am a woman.”
The conundrum (Jan Morris, a trans woman author wrote a book about her transition entitled “Conundrum”) for so many of us who finally accept that we are trans (especially we who are older) is do you or how do you transition knowing the “collateral damage” deciding to live authentically will produce?
Yes outwardly I long to relate to others and to be related to by others as a woman. Why? Authenticity. Because I am a woman at my core. At this point such a life is a dream. Sadly I can’t seem to cross the divide and make my dream my goal.