Sound like you need this…
I am no shrink but I know what you are feeling, I have been there, all the self loathing just about killed me, it is no fun place to be in. Took me a few years to put myself back together and taking my route was not fun. I decided to trudge if you are curious, meaning I went to drown myself working, did six months of 16+hr days 7 days a week, half heavy construction, half at my regular job, it was delightfully exhausting. But it only delayed things and put a realization in my brain that things could be worse, at least I wasn’t digging open raw sewer ditches by hand or something. I still did 60-80hr work weeks for a couple years to help drown out the brain but things got a bit better the more I lived with it. For me my healing came in phases, about a year or so into my trudging me and Hecate (yes old Primordial Goddess) found one another, she actually helped my dysphoria a ton, she made me start to accept that I was not a monster or crazy. About three more years I found a reinvent your life by Jillz on YouTube.
https://youtu.be/AOnL9W_IeO8?si=kifvn_fEfu377vFS
Made another huge difference, so I have made/started a complete life change journal and am following it as best I can. I am not perfect by any means but I would say compared to how I was back in 2018 compared to how I am now, I have improved 1000% or more, now I was at that suicide point so really not as cool as it sounds.
Either way, hang in there things will get better, might take a half a decade like it did for me but you might get lucky and it only take you a year or less.
Miriya
