My dear Winterfrost, please do something for me before you reply. Go outside and scream at the world. Scream at the sun or moon and stars and anything else you want. Vent some of that anger at the universe so you can discuss things in a semi-calm state.
Once that’s done, there is something my father told me almost 60 years ago, and it’s something most people don’t understand. He told me that if I get through life with 3 true friends I’ll be doing better than average. Most of the people you will interact with in your life are acquaintances, not friends. Friends have your back, always. A friend is someone you can call at 3am, tell them you’ve broken down a couple hundred miles from home, and they’ll tell you they will be there in a couple hours and do they need to bring you anything. It took me decades to learn this, but today I have people in half a dozen states that would drop everything if I told them I needed them.
Then I’d like to know specifically what it is you hate that you have absolutely no control over, and those things you hate that, with help and support, you can influence. There are dozens, if not hundreds of people that have dealt with similar feelings at some point in their life, and most of us will do what ever we can to help you. Besides all the good folks here, I can recommend several other very good, supportive, helpful groups that have given me a shoulder to cry on when I felt overwhelmed along with suggestions and useful advice about dealing with all the stuff I (and you) have the ability to influence in our own lives. Transitioning isn’t easy, in large part because we generally have to do it alone. We’re going through a puberty without the support group that most cis girls have a to help them learn and deal with the all the changes. The fact that there have been at least half a dozen supportive replies to you in the last 24 hours should tell you that there are people that really do care.
Can you identify what it is that stops you from believing in yourself? Other people’s opinions? Don’t let any person’s opinion of you become your reality. You are the one in control of your transition, and the fact that you chose to rant here (rants are good) tells me you really don’t want to end it all, but you have no idea which direction to take your next step.
You mention you don’t like your body. What is it you don’t like or don’t want to accept? I know I will never truly pass, and it’s not an issue to me. I won’t ever fully pass because I’m half an inch shorter than the average male, but my shoulders are 2 inches wider than that average, and 4 inches wider than the average female my age. It was an issue to me until I decided I know with no doubt about who and what I am, and when I reached that point my oversize upper body that makes it so hard to find good outfits that look good on me ceased being an issue. I’ve accepted those things I cannot change because they don’t have anything to do with who I am.
I didn’t get to this point overnight. I spend almost 40 years in a deep depression with a lot of suicidal ideation. It took me a month in a psyche hospital, several years of therapy, two more years leading two different self help groups for people with similar issues, and several more years auditing psychology classes in the local colleges to learn what caused it and how to deal with it. I learned I have two genetic issues that contribute to the depression, and learning to understand and deal with them also taught me that the rest of the issue was I was living a life I wasn’t wired to live. I am trans. I have always been trans, something I first recognized when I was 5 and realized I didn’t like being a boy, didn’t like the things they were interested in or talked about or the clothes they had to wear. This was in 1958 when the concept of alternate identies didn’t exist, or if they did, weren’t mentioned in polite society.
You don’t know me, and have no reason to believe me or trust me, but I do care, and I care a lot. If you want to talk more, PM me and I’ll send you my email and phone numbers, and you can call at 3am if you feel the need. I’ll warn you ahead of time I will be grumpy at 3am until I can get a cup of coffee and a fatty rolled up, but I will answer and I will listen. I’m not a shrink, but I’ve learned a lot of coping mechanisms over the years, and maybe something I’ve learned could help you. I am willing to help. All you need to do is ask.
Believe that you are loved and are important to the world.
Elli
