Welcome! It sounds as though you may not find happiness until you fulfill at least some of your desires. I recommend seeking a gender therapist and sign up for a few sessions. Some health insurance plans will pay for this.
There are tests online you can take to find out where you are on the gender spectrum. We are all male and female, no one is all one or the other.
You shouldn’t ever feel bad about crossdressing. I do it fulltime, and am 50/50 male/female.