Oh Danielle, it has been an insane life. I should have been a woman from birth is how I feel. But the times I am from said “ make the best of what God gave you”. So I did I gave it my all and then I gave it more than my all and it destroyed me utterly. I may have mentioned a drive I took with no intention of returning. But I had died long before and the shell/corpse was rotting on my bones. My health and strength would no longer breathe life into it and it’s slow death was bringing my whole home down. I was hurting them all, the ones I nurture the ones I love . So when Maria said NO I embraced her this time instead of suppressing her and trying to live a lie. Now, now I want to live so much it makes me weak in the knees. I want to let the me inside live out this life free of “him” forever. I want to feel pretty even though the whole passing game is for young girls I want breasts and I wish to no longer look at these foul ornaments hanging below my “clitoris” . I want to be smooth and not hairydress in long skirts and blouses like the hippie girl I am. I want to go to music festivals and dance with my beloved as my dress swirls around my legs. In a word I now want to live. Truly live a whole life. Oh dear here I go again. I am in tears writing this and the joy of openly sharing this with you….my love, I wish I could share how I feel right now with every girl who felt like me on my drive. Or like in so many stories of being alone with a burden that is crushing you. I am out, i am now free and my love is part of it now.
Last night was easier than I thought which speaks to the human I sat across from. It is confirmation of love transcending and I do not mean my transition I mean she transcended my toxic self hate and held on to living Maria even though they had not met except in disguise.
So now the protective pink fog I am in is lifting and the practical aspects of “being Maria” begin. Therapy, endocrinology and evaluation for just how much reassignment my health will allow and the process of insurance approval for some work to help my self images align, hormones ? Oh god yes please! Breast enhancement some minor facial work to soften me up just a tad and the one I want most , an orchiectomy( thank you Chloe my love). Vaginoplasty is not on my radar now but who knows that will likely be my partners choice. If she decides she wants a full boat down there or if the intersex look is not attractive to her I would broach it with a physician but my health I am sure would shoot it down. So there it is all puked into post. One day I will order my thoughts and write down my sick sad little story. Until then my deep love to my new community and ever beautiful soul in it. If you hurt share it. If you need an ear I am hear. Not new to the issue but sooo new to exploring it with acceptance and love in a community. Couple this with being a sixties and seventies kind of girl and some of you may have an idea of the repression our generation is capable of. So I am an odd mix of experience and repression. But mostly what I hope to bring here is my living support, to learn from girls who have gone before and to learn how to be more active in transgender rights and acceptance. Like I said a whole new and better life. Joining here in a new community of lovely people who accept me and will maybe even love me is part of my embrace of love born when Maria took the wheel quite literally.
Thank you so much for listening, I know I may sound quite manic right now. But that is just happiness and joy at looking inside and loving the person there
enough me stuff for now,am gonna do my face routine and shower. My honey made me a hair appointment and I am going to talk about cosmetic school with the dear who has our classy nail salon. I want to learn nails and age appropriate and transgender makeup soooo badly and it may be a way to let Maria live safe and happy in this red little town on the Oregon coasttThank you so much for you caring words and thoughts darling lady and Abigail wet💋 from little me