Reply To: The first step, telling yourself

#35429
 JaiymeLynne Rogers 
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My story is one of lifelong crossdressing, really. I have vague memories (and the tale was recounted to me years later by her mother) of me playing dress up with a neighbor girl at around 5 or 6. Her mother laughed to tell the tale of her daughter and I prancing around in little dresses in the basement. Then I remember in the same era, getting in trouble, looking up a little girls dress in school. Around the years 7-10 being involved with an older boy from the neighborhood, the “dink club” where we would go off into the woods adjacent to the neighborhood for sex play. Fondling each other, him getting me to kiss his … That was kept repressed for many years, but affected my relationships with other kids for a lifetime. To this day, it keeps me intimidated by and attracted to boys and men. With girls, I was their friend.  When puberty hit, I was a football player up to 14 years old. All the boy stuff. I was always a little heavy than other kids, but short. Didn’t get to my final 5’10” until 17 or 18. But my chest/breasts seemed to grow. I’ve always felt conscious about them. Never comfortable that I was big up there. Then the hair came at 17-20 I became completely covered in body hair. Like my dad. All over. I hated it. Still do. No true girlfriend until I moved out to Las Vegas, met little more forward girls. Lost my virginity in the front seat of mom’s Vega at 20 years old. I cross-dressed during my teen years, by trying mom’s bra and panties and whatever. I felt alive and sexually stimulated. The feel of the silk and nylon made me excited. I usually climaxed. But never got caught. In my 20’s I sort of dated, chased women in clubs and bars, with not much success. Mostly went out with groups, guys and gals I worked with in the restaurant. Didn’t dress much, I lived with male roommates for years. Then I discovered the adult book store scene. Looking at the trans videos and magazines excited me then. The realization that a world existed that maybe I could be a part of was empowering. The video arcades became a favorite haunt. I had quite a few same sex encounters there. But it never came in to my “real, normal” life. No friends or family knew of these things. 

Fast forward to my early 30’s. I met a great woman. She loved me. We got married at 33. She had no idea. I repressed my latent need to dress for years. She never knew JaiymeLynne. Or did I even actually at that time. It was a great marriage. We had regular sex. But no children came. She was a heavy woman and feared pregnancy. So that sort of put a damper on things. Over time, 25 years, our relationship grew strained. I was frustrated. She was tall, too. So, guess what? I discovered I could wear a bra now and then. Then panties. When she was not home. I began to dress covertly. I saw an episode of Oprah where an adult male talked about being abused as a child. It it home to me. I saw a therapist for a while. He made me see that my abuse was not my fault. That it was thrust upon me. But in my heart of hearts I still felt that I had liked it somehow. I felt better after those sessions.  But during that time and prior too, I had started frequenting trans based internet sites. Our sex life faded/suffered. She had some losses, dad and sister died in 2008. We began to fight more, share less. The only things we had in common became our home and love of sports. I continued to spend time on porn sites. It created distance between us. She, we found out after was not healthy. Fast forward to 2017, the day after Christmas, she has a massive heart attack and dies. I am lost. I carry guilt that she didn’t go to doctors to get checked out; but I know that was her choice. But perhaps if I was not so selfish, I would’ve gotten her to one. But I was struggling with my own identity at that time. I enjoyed my time online. I met new people. I found CDH, found a place that welcomed me for me, as JaiymeLynne, that it was ok to be confused and to question these things.

This year has been an awakening. I’ve felt things and done things I never thought could or would happen. I worked with a therapist online. She was so helpful to me. I may go back to her. In person even. I am working through my dysphoria. I still feel the need to lose my body hair. And get hair replacement on my head (that’s where I have lost hair!) and grow my hair longer. I’d love to do that too. I have bought and purged one set of clothes, lingerie, shoes. Starting over with that. I love makeup, and wigs, practicing, seeing what makes me look best.Because I don’t feel myself, if I don’t get to let Jaiyme out. It doesn’t seem to “go away”. I do wear panties under my boy clothes when I go to work. I fantasize about getting in my car, fully dressed, going out and being accepted. But now my father is living with me after mom passed last year. So that put JaiymeLynne in the closet a little more again. I dress late at night, when dad’s asleep; which carries risk, cause he has COPD, and an attack could come where I’d be needed.

The question or thought posed by Cloe here is that Step 1 is telling yourself. I have said to myself, I am transgender. I feel good about it. But I am scared. I feel that eventually I will have no choice. It is not a CHOICE. It just is. I am JaiymeLynne. I love myself this way. I am a transgender woman. Living as a man. Bummer. But one step at a time.
JaiymeLynne

ps sorry this is so long, hope it’s not too boring…

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