I think I understand where you’re coming from. I think it is natural to wonder the reasons that are truly driving us on our journey.
I’ve tried to convince myself I wasn’t transgender, many times over many years. I believe if it were possible for me to convince myself that I wasn’t, it would have happened. Even after all this time there is still an occasional temptation to question it or evade it in some other manner. The pattern of repression and denial is easy to fall back into. It’s all I’ve ever really known.
All I could do was examine all the gender related things I had thought or experienced in my life and carefully examine them. Recall them, write them down, and consider them as dispassionately and objectively as possible. After that, I concluded that I wasn’t being honest if I didn’t admit it to myself. I also realize that being uncomfortable about it is unfortunately part of this experience for me, and something better acknowledged than struggled with.