I don’t pretend to have answers, but I want to share this. I struggled with a lot of the same things as you described. I first thought it was just a love for crossdressing. I then thought my love for crossdressing dressing was a fetish. I then thought I was gender fluid. None of these were ever enough to bring me peace. I had to be honest with myself about my desires, dreams, and views of my identity. Once I alliwed myself to let go of the expected societal norms, I realized very clearly that I have been forcing myself to be what others expected me to be. I highly recommend seeking more therapy to help find your true peace.
Let me know if you need an ear to listen.