It sounds like you have many questions and few answers. It can be very difficult to work through these issues by yourself. The problem is that the mind has all kinds of tricks in order to resist change. The human mechanism does not like change and that can work to limit your progress. It is usually helpful to link up with a good therapist who has experience with gender issues (not everyone does). What helps is that often a therapist can sense when you are not being honest with yourself about what you are feeling or when you might try to avoid facing an issue.