So — I guess this will become a bit of a “blog” and I will continue posting here when I can/have the need to share my thoughts. I thank those of you in advance who take the time to read my “stream of consciousness…”
I have done some time “on the couch” as it were with a therapist and hand about 4 years of discussing a wide swath of topics including the one topic I felt I needed to address after years and years of just pushing it into a compartmentalized space. From when this started as a teen through my life, there has been a space for Andrea — different form the male version that is the “dominant” public person. Since I work from home, as I have for nearly 20 years, I have noticed a slow, steady shift towards choosing to present as a woman. It never mattered what I might be doing. It has become such a normal thing, that I am just going about the day — period. It is not fetishistic.
The time with my therapist was great. It got too expensive which is why I stopped. I felt like the topics we were discussing became “circular.” We never seemed to cross a further threshold. I am not sure if it was because I was not comfortable out of fear. But through the last 4 years out of therapy, and the clear increase in not only female presentation on the daily, but also beginning to go out into public while presenting female — I have been wondering for many weeks — should I re-engage a therapist? Perhaps this is not “gender fluid.” Perhaps its something else? I accept I am non-binary — i am way past that point. I think now — its about integrating what often I have felt is 2 lives into one. What physical form that takes — i am not sure.
So — I reached out to an online resource and am looking at re-engaging a therapist through the safety of the web in this Covid universe.
I hope I am taking a healthy, and “right” step here. Not wasting time, and dollars.