Reply To: Well this is confusing…

#91260
Cassie
SILVER

Sorta getting overwhelmed with the replies you got but I’ll add my two cents. I suffer gender dysphoria every day. I am just starting to look at this whole gender thing. Growing up, a boy who liked girl things was labelled as gay. I am and never have been gay. There was always this wish that I would open my eyes and be a girl rather than the boy I was. However, growing up, you never expressed those thoughts. I didn’t crossdress in secret like many people on here. I tried to be one of four boys. I grew up and joined the military. I found out that in the Canadian military, they would pay for your transition because certain provincial medical plans covered it. By that time I was so programmed with the idea that someone who had a sex change was a freak, that I couldn’t consider it. I sure couldn’t talk about it. Time went on and I got married to an incredible woman. She introduced me to wearing clear nail polish as a way to stop biting my nails. One day I was suggesting a colour for her to try and she told me if I wanted that colour, I should wear it. She wasn’t going to. She said she didn’t care if I wore coloured nail polish. I bought it to prove her wrong. I now have several colours I love to wear. This has gone one small step at a time to where I am now. I have a pair of breastforms, some bras, high heels and skirts. Because I have never specifically expressed the desire to be a woman, she thinks this is a new hobby and is waiting to see if I will move on to another hobby when I get bored of it. I promised her I wouldn’t look at anything permanent for a year. How does this answer your question about dysforia? Well, I still have my beard. I look down and see a great pair of legs, breasts (even if I know they are not real yet) and then I see my face in the mirror and hate what looks like. Girls don’t wear full beards as a rule. I have the beard because my face is very asymmetrical and it covers a lot of that. My wife prefers men in beards than shaved. As I am not hurrying this process, I still have the beard. My face doesn’t fit my body. I get dysforia every time I see my reflection. My only comfort is I know it isn’t permanent anymore.

That came out a lot longer than I planned. I hope it gave you some comfort to know you are not alone.

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