Hello, my name is David, well that isn’t my real name but I feel connected with it and am liking it more than my birth assigned one right now.
I’ve been hit with problems lately, I’ve always thought I was comfortable in my birth gender. But I’ve been questioning it now. I’m 20 years old an I feel like I’m way to old to be questioning it.
I also know that I’ve been through a few things when I was younger, leaving me emotionally stunted and dealing with anxiety and other mental problems all through puberty and late teens.
I was born female and I always thought I was female, until now. I’ve never thought about it, but I would often relate to male characters to the point I wished I was them, daydreaming, dreaming and making up adventures were I was in the characters shoes. I still do it. But I always told myself, “doesn’t everyone do that?” Make up dreams where your somehow changed into a male.
But it’s changed, I’ve had a dream recently where, there was no male character I was in the shoes of. I was myself, and I was transitioning to male. I was happy in the dream. But I don’t know if in the waking world, is it truly what I want? Am I imagining things? Ive had a feeling where I felt abit to connected to being male. I’m a makeup fx artist, and I was doing beards, and I did one on myself and to my surprise I liked having the beard. I wanted to keep it on only the glue was itchy. Still I kept it on all day. I think it would be cool to have a beard.
But I have gone days in the past where I was envious of breathing sizes, now I don’t seem to care for it. I like dresses, I feel like I’ll still wear them, but like I think makes can wear dresses also? It’s not indicator of gender.
I dont feel completely rejected with my body, except for like my lower parts in a way. I’ve been looking into changing my hairstyle to be shorter, it’s already a pretty short but Its to long still and it’s bothering me at moments yet not in some ways.
I’m honestly scared, I thought I knew what and who I am. I’m not so sure now. I’m afraid of rejection. I’ve already told my brother that I’m questioning, but no one else. I don’t want to see my mother’s reaction when may find out her little girl isn’t actually a girl.
I don’t want to be feeling this way, but at the same time what If this is who I am? And I’ll be happy as a male? Because this insecurity and wrong ness isn’t pleasant. I’m also hoping this will all go away by tomorrow, that I’ll wake up and feel female completely and it’ll all be a dream.
I feel like this. I don’t want to be trans at all. I would rather feel like a normal woman. If I am trans, I don’t want to be called that. I just wanna be seen as a man, not a transman. Maybe I have some internalized transphobia and homophobia. But being referred to as a transman makes me feel like a phoney. I don’t mean to offend anyone that goes by that label. It’s just not for me. I am not sure what to do either. I’m very confused but I really want to transition into a man. For a long time I have wanted this. I have tried to start hrt a few years ago but gave up because I have gained strong religious beliefs that speak against such things. But yesterday it’s like I had an epiphany. And I realized I still have these feelings no matter what. Not even religion can stop them. And most likely from the sound of it this is the case with you too. Hope you can get the help you need. I’m here to talk if you want. I wish you the best.