Hi, Miriya. Thank you for sharing your poem. I also have my own fits of depression, where I fantasize about suicide, think about pulling in front of an oncoming train, things like that. But what really got my attention is when you mentioned how people would turn against you because of who you really are. For being yourself. When these kinds of thoughts pop into my mind, I often think of the song, “Friends will be Friends,” by Queen, and it reminds me that real friends are the people you can be who you really are around. You can share your real feelings around friends and they won’t cancel you. Anyone who doesn’t know the real you isn’t really a friend. Looking back on my life, I realized that I’ve never had any real friends because I’ve never shared who I really am inside my heart with anyone, not a single member of my family, not even my ex-wife. The person I really want to be full time. Her name is Autumn, and I love her, what she symbolizes, with all my heart.
But now I’m starting to make friends. Real friends. On this site and another site I’m a member of where members help each other with depression and suicidal thoughts. Members of these sites encourage people to be themselves. It’s not just acceptance, they embrace who you really are. And that’s made me feel better than I have in a long time. I’ve found places where I feel welcome, where I feel I belong. “Outside the dawn is breaking, but inside in the dark I’m naked to be free.” Another Queen song, “The Show must go On.” I think of that line a lot. This site is one of the places where I can be free. And I’m so thankful for that that.
Anyway, thank you again for sharing your poem. Big Hug.