After taking a break for a while I’ve learned a lot about myself. My thoughts of transitioning would come and go. Back in august I left everything be because I was scared and just wanted to go back to my old self. And while I’ve been ok my desire to be a woman never fully left. One day I came across a therapist online and she said something that hit home when it comes to not being sure and being afraid to transposition. She said and I quote “ the tide will come in and go out but the water will never leave”.
That quote really spoke to me and is so true. After hearing that I entered a couple of therapy sessions. Things now have never been more clear. I have finally come to full self acceptance that I am transgender. All though that was a huge mountain to climb my hardest road is still year ahead. As a husband and father of two I have to stay closeted for the time being. I am going to continue to seek therapy and try to work through this. With that being said, internally I want to know look at myself as a woman and want to continue my journey. Hopefully one day I will be able to start hormones but for right now how I feel inside feels right and feels good.
That is a perfect analogy. And I can identify with it. My desire to be female is always there in the background. These days at no time do I feel masculine. It’s just not there. Right now I’m firmly in the closet. At home I can live and dress as a woman and my wife is now comfortable with it. Often this seems to be enough. But then I have these episodes of intense depression and frustration and just wanting to practically climb out of my own body. At those times the tide is well and truly in. At the moment, while I can dress female and wear makeup around my wife, transitioning is off the table if I don’t want to trash my marriage. And I really don’t. The problem is the tide is coming in more frequently these days.