I Know how you feel. I repressed it for a long time. The first time I went to a gender support group, I was terrified. I had to sneak in some alcohol in a water bottle to calm my nerves. And even after several monthly meetings, I still eventually backslid and purged again.
I’ve tried to come to accept that a little part of me might always be uncomfortable about it. I’m just acknowledging that as a reality that comes with the situation. There’s a whole lifetime of social conditioning to conform to gender norms to deal with. It’s not easy.
I started a private journal and went over all the times in my life that were related to gender issues and really tried to think through them and write them out in detal. It kind of helps to articulate all those complicated and normally unspoken feelings and fears in order to come up with a mental strategy to deal with them in a positive way.