- May 9, 2023 at 5:19 pm #137897🌺 Jenny DarleneParticipant
I am a shy person who is just starting my journey as I have not been able to yet establish a connection with a psychiatrist or a doctor. It is a work in progress and many phone calls. I come here in peace and respect others. Hoping to develop some friendships and learn from others who are transitioning at various stages. I have come out to my mother and two close friends, as well I have been able to develop enough confidence to venture out into the world twice as me. Wish to be myself for once and not have to put on a show. Hoping to find support here and I agree with the Terms of Service and Code of Conduct. Please can an ambassador contact me. I was told by an ambassador via email that I am welcome here as long as I follow all the TOS and Code of Conduct. Thank you.
- May 10, 2023 at 7:45 pm #137920
We’re glad that you found us! I hope the being here will prove to be helpful as your journey continues.
The purpose of this site is to provide support for all in the trans community. It is intended to be all inclusive. That means trans men, trans women and from those questioning their gender identity to those who have transitioned years ago.
However, none of this works unless this site is a safe haven. The rules serve to provide a means of defining acceptable/unacceptable behavior. As you might expect, a site like this can attract a disruptive element and also those looking for sex, as seen through a fetishistic lens. While many here are in relatively decent shape or better, there are also many here who are really struggling for any number of reasons: employment issues, family issues, difficulty in accepting the reality of their gender identity, etc. A site like this works to assist people as their lives progress. Unacceptable behavior can really upset things and we just can’t have that. From reading what you have written so far, I doubt that you will cause any problems.
One issue that happens to a number of trans folks is that of isolation. Often we think that this is only a problem in more rural areas, but it does happen in cities also. Fear and shame can keep people away from the community and prevent friendships from forming, learning from other community members and sharing what we know.
So, are you connected to any trans communities? You didn’t say exactly where you live, but I have some suggestions. One positive thing that came out of the pandemic was that in the US many LGBT centers started doing support and social groups online, I confess that I don’t know to what extent this is true in Canada. I live in Cathedral City, California. I participate in a women’s chat group most every Thursday morning. In addition to women who live in the Coachella Valley here, we get regulars calling in from Seattle, Las Vegas and Lincoln Nebraska. At other times, we’ve also had women call in from San Louis Obispo here in California, Michigan and West Virginia. The ones who call in from outside of the Valley have vacationed here with some frequency or have 2nd homes here or are thinking of relocating here after retirement. In any case, the women want to become connected or remain connected to the women’s community here.
Now, I confess that I wasn’t looking for a group to join nearly 4 years ago. Someone who knew me fairly well suggested I attend a few meetings to see if I liked it. I did, but probably of equal importance, the members accepted me. I think that often trans women assume that we will automatically rejected by the lesbian community, but that isn’t necessarily the case. Before I went the first time, I put a little thought into this. I know that some lesbians are triggered by behaviors (social, mental and physical) associated with men. While acting “girly” doesn’t really appeal to me, I did make it a point to reign myself in a bit, try not to dominate the conversation, sit in a more culturally acceptable way, etc. In other words, behaviors that are more indicative of women is social settings compared to men.
I must admit, it helped me as it was necessary to think about how I behaved as this is a different world. Women behave very differently, compared to men. In recognition of that, I have asked that a sub-forum be created to discuss social transition because if we don’t understand our social behaviors, we can kill all the good Karma from our presentation, vocal training and surgeries. Or, at the very least, have our gender identity questioned.
You can search for other members who may be near by clicking on Social in the menu and then Member Directory.
I would also encourage you to complete your Profile page. It goes a long ways toward having other members understand what’s happening for you. Your page will always be readily available and can be updated at any time.
- May 10, 2023 at 8:12 pm #137921
Thank you DeeAnn for taking the time to write to me today. I can reassure you that I am not here to engage in any of those unacceptable behaviours and that I do identity as trans. There was some time when I was confused about who I am and what my goals are and know where I am heading. A sexual lens is not something that relates to me anymore. I’m just here to learn as I begin my journey and hopefully make a few friends along the way. I started off confused and on the wrong sites.
I am looking to join one of these communities that you mention and was kindly provided some resources to follow up on. There are places here in the city of Toronto and I will be placing more calls. I will put an effort into not dominating the conversations, I do not wish to make anyone uncomfortable with my presence or feel I’m hogging the conversation. I have been very isolated and introverted most of my life and forcing myself to solcialize with others in the community has been a challenge. Solcial etiquette and picking up in the solcial norms as well as how I should act is very new to me. I appolize if this has been a problem.
Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself in how you joined a group and learned how to act. I appreciate this. I will take time to fill out more of my profile to help others learn about me.
2 users thanked author for this post.
- May 10, 2023 at 9:30 pm #137922
Thanks! Compliments ALWAYS appreciated!
The thing is, trans women want to be seen as women. Trans men want to be seen as men. So, the question is, why would we do something that undermines the person that we are trying to be?
For those who were Assigned Female At Birth (AFAB), in most cases they could draw on the advice and counsel of mothers, grandmothers, aunts and big sisters. Typically trans women don’t have this luxury. The converse is also true for trans men. Somehow, we need to learn “The Rules Of The Game”, or else we will stand out in ways that are not good. I think everyone wants to “belong” in a way that is consistent with how they think of themselves.
There are many stories here where trans women discuss how difficult and how uncomfortable their lives were as men, or at least trying to be men or pretending to be men. We have to remember the expectations that those around us hold and that also extends to society at large. Trying to fit into that mold is often very hard to do.
While we know that there are TERFs (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists) out there, I’ve been fortunate not to run into any (at least that I know of). But, the important thing is to realize that we are trying to fit into a realm where we have no history. It is not unlike starting a new job or moving into a new neighborhood. We have to understand what it takes to be a part of that new situation in a way that we can live with. Further, we all may be pretty different in that respect. Once again, it is not a one size fits all situation.
- June 12, 2023 at 11:06 pm #138735
I have been confused about this reply for a month and not sure if there is a hidden meaning behind it. I hope I’m not misinterpreting things.
- June 13, 2023 at 12:06 am #138736
No, I don’t do hidden meanings. As you have probably noticed, MANY trans women have a thing about “passing”, not everyone but a clear majority from what I’ve seen. So, many have prioritized their presentation over whatever else. However, if our behaviors are out of the expected realm for women, it will attract scrutiny. As trans women, close scrutiny is not what we want. As an example, suppose that we are in a group of cisgender women and we’re sitting with one leg pointed eastward and the other pointed westward, that would be pretty unorthodox. It is very unusual for women to sit like that. So, it begs the question if that is unusual, what else is unusual about this person? Even if one appears to be a cross between Ann Hathaway and Halle Berry, our actions can work against us.
When we put together a nice outfit or develop our makeup skills, the feedback loop is pretty quick. We pretty much know if we look good or not. However, the social skills and the body language part requires that other people be around as that is where the feedback comes from. We may not know if our actions are OK or not until someone reacts. While the goal is to fit in, we may not exactly know how to do that.
So, what I’ve said are some things to think about as your journey progresses. I think presentation is the easy part. Behaviors are more subtle and difficult as we are working against our history.
- May 10, 2023 at 4:53 pm #137916
- May 10, 2023 at 2:00 pm #137908𝕋𝕖𝕣𝕣𝕚 𝔸𝕟𝕟𝕖🌸AMBASSADOR
Welcome to our TransGender Heaven (TGH) site: A Transgender Support Site.
I understand Michelle, our Managing Ambassador has been in contact with you?
Let us know if we can be of any assistance.
We are a wonderful, accepting, loving, helpful community where you can be safe and be yourself.
You can read about the knowledge and experiances of others on a similar path by reading articles and in the forums and chatting in chat rooms.
My hope is that you will become comfortable here and make many new friends.
Glad you are here. Looking forward to seeing you on the site.
Terri Anne, Ambassador
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- May 10, 2023 at 11:00 am #137905Anonymous
Helen here Jennifer I do hope you are successful and tthe bet of luck I am sure you will be happy xx
- May 9, 2023 at 10:04 pm #137901
- May 9, 2023 at 6:13 pm #137898
- May 11, 2023 at 11:48 am #137924
That is very kind of you, I greatly appreciate that.
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