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When I first found the Crossdresser Heaven site three years ago, I could never have imagined the difference it would make in my life. I was the stereotype of the closeted crossdresser. I would hide in my room, never dreaming of risking anyone ever finding out about this part of me. Important as it was, there was no way I could imagine letting the world know that I was anything but a “normal guy.
I remember the fear as I signed up on the site-would I be laughed at? Would I be outed to the world? Was I the only one like me? This was the early days of the revamped site-as it changed from a personal blog site for Vanessa Law to a support site. When I first joined I was member 131, and I was scared to death. The chatroom didn’t exist yet, it was al articles, forums, and private messages. I remember my first forum post-one line-“Dipping my toes in the water-with pink nail polish”. Innocuous? Silly? Perhaps-but for someone who had never told a soul-other than my ex-wife who ultimately left me in no small part because of it-it was a HUGE leap of faith!
What made me willing to take that leap? In a word-friends! You see, almost immediately after I joined, there was someone who reached out to me with a hello and asked me how I was doing. What was this? Someone actually cared about how I was doing? The feeling was overwhelming, and I knew now that I WASN’T alone. There were others who felt like I did. We private messaged back and forth and that friend, the Managing Ambassador Emeritus Codille Benton became my BFF-well technically, my FF (‘cause her wife is her BFF). Later the chatroom allowed us to converse “realtime”, and she and I –along with several others from those early days became fast friends. In the years since, new folks have joined –both the site and my “inner circle”. And I have watched others come to CDH and grow in their journeys as well.
So now you’re wondering-Why is Cyn going on and on about CDH on THIS site? Well, you are in a similar position, here on Transgender Heaven (TGH). These are the founding days when the group is still small and intimate. Friendships will form and the people you start out with will be the ones you’ll likely stay closest to forever. So take the time to have those late night chats and messages. The mot work gets done NOT in crowded rooms with 20 people talking. Don’t get me wrong-those ARE great, but the REAL conversations that touch your soul are the ones between 2-5 people at one in the morning when we let out guard down and share our greatest triumphs and our setbacks, our greatest joys and our deepest fears; our tales of acceptance and our tales of rejection. Each of our journeys is the same, yet each are also unique as we figure out where our path is leading.
Some of us here have already fully transitioned; others are in the midst; some will have medical procedures done while others for various reasons will not; still others-and this is where I fit-are uncertain how they feel about their future. I know Cyn is more than just the clothes she wears, but I don’t know if she will ever be 100% of my life either. She is part of who I am-the question is how MUCH of me she is. That’s the question I’ll be exploring-both with my counselor and –I ope with many of YOU -my friends here on TGH. Regardless of where that path leads, I am forever thankful that Vanessa is moving forward with this new site as a sister site to CDH, and that she selected one of my dearest friends Jasmine Marie to be its managing ambassador.
I can’t wait to see where we go! Let’s make amazing memories together!
Cyn
Total of 102 users thanked author for this post. Here are last 20 listed.
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When I first found the Crossdresser Heaven site three years ago, I could never have imagined the difference it would make in my life. I was the stereotype of the closeted crossdresser. I would hide in my room, never dreaming of risking anyone ever finding out about this part of me. Important as it was, there was no way I could imagine letting the world know that I was anything but a “normal guy.
I remember the fear as I signed up on the site-would I be laughed at? Would I be outed to the world? Was I the only one like me? This was the early days of the revamped site-as it changed from a personal blog site for Vanessa Law to a support site. When I first joined I was member 131, and I was scared to death. The chatroom didn’t exist yet, it was al articles, forums, and private messages. I remember my first forum post-one line-“Dipping my toes in the water-with pink nail polish”. Innocuous? Silly? Perhaps-but for someone who had never told a soul-other than my ex-wife who ultimately left me in no small part because of it-it was a HUGE leap of faith!
What made me willing to take that leap? In a word-friends! You see, almost immediately after I joined, there was someone who reached out to me with a hello and asked me how I was doing. What was this? Someone actually cared about how I was doing? The feeling was overwhelming, and I knew now that I WASN’T alone. There were others who felt like I did. We private messaged back and forth and that friend, the Managing Ambassador Emeritus Codille Benton became my BFF-well technically, my FF (‘cause her wife is her BFF). Later the chatroom allowed us to converse “realtime”, and she and I –along with several others from those early days became fast friends. In the years since, new folks have joined –both the site and my “inner circle”. And I have watched others come to CDH and grow in their journeys as well.
So now you’re wondering-Why is Cyn going on and on about CDH on THIS site? Well, you are in a similar position, here on Transgender Heaven (TGH). These are the founding days when the group is still small and intimate. Friendships will form and the people you start out with will be the ones you’ll likely stay closest to forever. So take the time to have those late night chats and messages. The mot work gets done NOT in crowded rooms with 20 people talking. Don’t get me wrong-those ARE great, but the REAL conversations that touch your soul are the ones between 2-5 people at one in the morning when we let out guard down and share our greatest triumphs and our setbacks, our greatest joys and our deepest fears; our tales of acceptance and our tales of rejection. Each of our journeys is the same, yet each are also unique as we figure out where our path is leading.
Some of us here have already fully transitioned; others are in the midst; some will have medical procedures done while others for various reasons will not; still others-and this is where I fit-are uncertain how they feel about their future. I know Cyn is more than just the clothes she wears, but I don’t know if she will ever be 100% of my life either. She is part of who I am-the question is how MUCH of me she is. That’s the question I’ll be exploring-both with my counselor and –I ope with many of YOU -my friends here on TGH. Regardless of where that path leads, I am forever thankful that Vanessa is moving forward with this new site as a sister site to CDH, and that she selected one of my dearest friends Jasmine Marie to be its managing ambassador.
I can’t wait to see where we go! Let’s make amazing memories together!
Cyn
Thank you for going on and on.😊 I’ll take being the 100th as a sign I’m in the right place.
Hi,
I just wanted to say hello. I’m Grace and I’ve just started my trans journey. I would love to connect with others.
Love to all,
Grace
4 users thanked author for this post.
Dear Cyn,
I completely understand what you are saying. As someone who was in the exact same position, I found that my feelings evolved several months after I told my wife of 43 years. I began to actually break down into tears when the time came to return to “male mode”. My therapist said that I was moving up the scale of being transgender. I had never had much in the way of gender dysphoria in the past but that was changing rapidly. when I began to experience suicidal thoughts I was immediately referred to a psychiatrist. He determined that the only way to stop these thoughts was for me to transition to being a woman. Now after six months I have satisfied my doctor’s concerns about my other health issues being controlled. So I wi e starting HRT shortly. I’m So excited and scared at the same time. My wife is not accepting this well. I hope that we can work things out and stay married.1 user thanked author for this post.
Hi Cynthia,
Thank you for your warm welcome and also for sharing. I am dipping my toe and trying to learn to navigate this wonderful site. I have not until now joined any other site, so this is all new to me.
I’m very fortunate to have the support of a very loving partner, who didn’t have a problem when I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria ten. years ago. I have had her support even when I started hormone therapy.
A few close friends are aware of who I really am, but I seldom reveal Jane to the world. I live in a very rural area, and while that certainly has its advantages, it can also be rather limiting.
Thank you again Cynthia
Hi Cynthia
What a wonderful welcome and a lovely site too. Like many I’m struggling to communicate my feelings after years of suppressing them but there is so much here that I find myself nodding ‘Yep that’s me’ to.
None of us is doing anything alone in the Interweb Age unless we choose to and groups like this can only make us happier.
Be Safe Everybody.
1 user thanked author for this post.
Firstly, I just want to say a huge thank you for this post. As I was reading it, it made me very emotional. so many things that you described I have also felt and since becoming a member I have realised that this is an experience shared by so many. For the first time in my life I don’t feel alone. I have wanted to hide away, in complete denial. Burying my head in sand. But I’m here now, and ready to actually start living my life 😁
much love and respect
Amelia
You know I know just what your talking about. I remember being scared, feeling alone, wondering what my friends and family would think of me.
My first time on CDH I signed up and then split. (Yes that must of been before chat) Why because I thought someone in my house saw me on there and I freaked out.
But I did come back and I stayed this time. And you want to know why. Because of you Cynthia, you were the one who said something me and you made a impact on me. I don’t even remember what that was, but it was important enough for me to keep coming back.
I been there on CDH now, let’s maybe 4 or 5 years now. You may not see yourself as a mentor, but I know others do. I am one of them.
So In thank you and I should have told you sooner.
Hippie
Cyn,
All the best words have been taken, I’m afraid. I guess that’s what I get for coming late to the party, right?
But, I’ll echo a few of those thoughts here because, honestly, I still didn’t tell my ex-wife that I wore her dresses in secret. Lol. I have just started in the active and lucid part of my journey, looking down the road of exploration and very likely full transition.
However, I acted like you did with the “dipping a toe” episode with my first ever interview with a general therapist (the kind they keep at colleges, most often for help with students under stress). I stammered and choked out the words “transgender issues” like I was confessing to murder. Within a few sessions I figured out she didn’t care and that it was all okay to talk about. A total opposite to my previous experience of trying to talk to friends or, later, come out to my wife (at the time). Ya, that last one set me back years, but it is open spaces like this one that, like you, I have been able to talk about my “secret me”.
Thank you for being courageous and standing by others as an ally!1 user thanked author for this post.
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Thank you for the words of encouragement, I am 49 and starting on my journey as well, I have faced rejection many times before and backed out, but I know I need to be who I really am no matter what, I am looking forward to meeting new friends so I don’t feel alone</p>
3 users thanked author for this post.
hi thanks for welcoming me ive been like this for most of my life and like most have struggled with the attitude of the few i mentioned it to, its good that we can now find others the same ,and realise there is nothing wrong with us just a bad attitude from some people ,so i look forward to making new friends here who understand
Cyn,
I am so happy you are here. Your words speak to many of us, me it hits right to home. I know that jaiymelynne is me and I am her, but to what extent and how far she will take me is what the journey will discover. I long to make friends. I am committed to this. I found a great online counselor, she helped a lot. But perhaps now it is time for in person therapy. I wish peace and joy for all of us, and thank you for so eloquently expressing welcome to me here.
Thank you,
JaiymeLynne
5 users thanked author for this post.
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t see myself as special- just someone who is trying to figure out my path and cares about those around me. Counseling in person really allows you to open up in ways that online doesn’t; so much of communication is non-verbal and online is so hard to get things across the same way. Good luck and let me know if I can help in any way.
Cyn
1 user thanked author for this post.
Cyn, thanks for your reply. You know it’s funny, I’ve recently be working through a guidebook “You and Your Gender Identity” and in there it was brought up about mentors, cheerleaders etc and counselors. I am planning on calling the therapist I worked with about 10-15 years ago when I was trying to understand how certain events in childhood shaped me. He was helpful at the time. We almost got in to gender issues then, but I was still repressing. So I know if he can’t help me, he most surely can guide me in the right direction. I appreciate you and will reach out, let you know how it’s going.
JaiymeLynne
Thank you so much for the loving welcome🙏
I am 62 so I have been trying to get a handle
on my sexuality for a long while🤷♀️
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WEARING PRETTY
SEXY PANTIES AND HAVE FOR A LONG TIME EVERY DAY🎉🤗🙏
HUGES TO ALL LADIES
Gloria 🌸
(Just love my name)
Thanks for making me feel welcome already. My story is very similar. I have been a closest crossdresser for many year’s now
Now I’m ready to come out of that closest. I love dressing like a girl. I love the way I look and feel when I’m Michelle. I’m ready now I think to set her free of that silly old closet. So thank you all in advance for helping me on my journey.
4 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Cyn,
I am just now re-reading your post and realized I did not put my thoughts down.
Your story has many aspects that relate to my life as well. This has helped me to remember many of the good times and not so good ones. All a part of who we are.
I remember the personal blog site that Vanessa formed. I lost track of my member I.D. So started over bt rejoining back in 2015 or 16. Of course changing my name this year meant a new start date.
You are one of the First friends to welcome me both on CDH and then on TGH. I always look forward to rare times when we are in chat together. I am so proud to be a part of the mission of both CDH and TGH. I have growns so much since joining CDH a few years ago.
Your knowdge and support has been a big help to me, thank You!
-Terri Anne
3 users thanked author for this post.
Wow Cyn, that was beautifully written. I must say that I had my first counseling session last week and I feel better after. Even though I still have questions I cannot answer in my head, heart or soul it still feels good to talk to someone who at least has some understanding. I too do not know what or where my journey will be but I have someone I love very much that I do not wish to lose. Anyway thanks for your wonderful message. Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️
Danielle💋👠
6 users thanked author for this post.
Thanks very much for your warm welcome. I have much to learn and I look forward to benefiting from the experience of others.
Melissa
4 users thanked author for this post.
Wow, Cyn! I felt very much the same when I first ventured into coming out about who I am. Even still, a lot of people irl don’t know that I’m trans. I feel like I have to fly under the radar for now and I’m still afraid of being outed because of what that could do to my career. Thank you for being so brave and letting others like me know that we’re not alone. ❤️
9 users thanked author for this post.
Hi Cynthia my old friend ( well not so old) LOL. Keeping in touch as usual. Looking forward to making new relationships and helping out where and when I can.
Dame Veronica
Dame Veronica Graunwolf
5 users thanked author for this post.
Cyn,
This is so beautifully written, I’m so glad you live so close (even if sis is on a role when I come over). I cherish those late night chats on here and look forward to some that are at a more sane hour with new friends here on TGH. I remember being so timid with chat that I must have popped in 20 times for only a minute or two and even less when someone spoke to me. Then eventually one of the moderators kicked me out to get my attention. In a way it stung, but it made me wake up and join the conversation. You were the welcome wagon to the introductions forum and I remember thinking “OMG, there’s actually someone like me less than an hour away. I want to be her friend, but I sure don’t want her to think I’m on the prowl or something.” I took a month before I was comfortable enough to take that step to meet you and you were so gracious. I cannot thank you enough. It’s a part of the story of my coming to terms with my real identity and cracking the shell wide open. What is it Capn Di said later on…you took a bulldozer to your closet, Cloe. Well you pretty much know the rest and I’ll save that for new friends. Thank you for being you and penning your thoughts so eloquently.
Hugs
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