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- I actually feel pretty weird joining, writing, even considering.I’m almost 47 years old, in a mostly happy 22 year marriage to a woman, and have always referred to myself as a lesbian.As a child, I “felt” like a boy, but never considered that I might actually have been. I don’t think I ever even thought about the fact that I was born female. It just wasn’t something I thought about.
When I was a teenager, first acknowledging to myself that I was attracted to women, the concept of transgender was just not something anyone had heard of, let alone considered. It was rough enough to think about sexual orientation outside the norm. But I always wore men’s clothing, even binding my breasts and “passing” as a man. Many said I looked “like a 12 year old boy” because I had a bit of a baby face, but always masculine. I told people, jokingly, that I wasn’t male or female, I was “miscellaneous” – nowadays, I would say, “Other”, and most progressive minds would need no further explanation. What great strides we’re making!As I came into young adulthood, I began having flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse, and I realize now that the abuse itself, and subsequent memories, led me to completely disconnect from my body. I just didn’t think about it, particularly what gender parts I was born with.
Then I saw the movie, “Boys Don’t Cry” and it felt like it was speaking to me. Screaming to me. I told my then (now ex) gf about it, and then when I met my wife and we raised a family, I’ve casually mentioned that IF transgender was something that I’d ever know about then, I probably would have transitioned long ago, but have felt resolved to deal with the body in which I was born. I’ve gotten used to it.However, the older I get, the less I am able to disconnect from my physical body, and the more uncomfortable I’m becoming in it. I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s simply my female body aging, and natural changes associated with it (I have a uterine fibroid, which draws my attention to this THING growing inside my body that doesn’t belong, and it reminds me that my body itself doesn’t feel like mine.) that are making me uncomfortable, but I just can’t get it out of my mind. I think I’m a trans man.
Now, I don’t have the means or ability to do anything about it now, nor the support network, and that makes it worse for me mentally – which is why I’ve reached out. I’m hoping to find others like me, and either come to terms with what I need to do to transition, or learn to just tolerate my body as is.
Thanks for listening. I hope you can steer me in the right direction.
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