Accepting myself – Late bloomer

This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Cloe (CC) Webb 2 weeks ago.

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    Topic
  • #33858

    Reg Day
    Participant
    I actually feel pretty weird joining, writing, even considering.
    I’m almost 47 years old, in a mostly happy 22 year marriage to a woman, and have always referred to myself as a lesbian.
    As a child, I “felt” like a boy, but never considered that I might actually have been. I don’t think I ever even thought about the fact that I was born female. It just wasn’t something I thought about.
    When I was a teenager, first acknowledging to myself that I was attracted to women, the concept of transgender was just not something anyone had heard of, let alone considered. It was rough enough to think about sexual orientation outside the norm. But I always wore men’s clothing, even binding my breasts and “passing” as a man. Many said I looked “like a 12 year old boy” because I had a bit of a baby face, but always masculine. I told people, jokingly, that I wasn’t male or female, I was “miscellaneous” – nowadays, I would say, “Other”, and most progressive minds would need no further explanation. What great strides we’re making!As I came into young adulthood, I began having flashbacks of childhood sexual abuse, and I realize now that the abuse itself, and subsequent memories, led me to completely disconnect from my body. I just didn’t think about it, particularly what gender parts I was born with.
    Then I saw the movie, “Boys Don’t Cry” and it felt like it was speaking to me. Screaming to me. I told my then (now ex) gf about it, and then when I met my wife and we raised a family, I’ve casually mentioned that IF transgender was something that I’d ever know about then, I probably would have transitioned long ago, but have felt resolved to deal with the body in which I was born. I’ve gotten used to it.

    However, the older I get, the less I am able to disconnect from my physical body, and the more uncomfortable I’m becoming in it. I’ve tried to tell myself that it’s simply my female body aging, and natural changes associated with it (I have a uterine fibroid, which draws my attention to this THING growing inside my body that doesn’t belong, and it reminds me that my body itself doesn’t feel like mine.) that are making me uncomfortable, but I just can’t get it out of my mind. I think I’m a trans man.

    Now, I don’t have the means or ability to do anything about it now, nor the support network, and that makes it worse for me mentally – which is why I’ve reached out. I’m hoping to find others like me, and either come to terms with what I need to do to transition, or learn to just tolerate my body as is.

    Thanks for listening. I hope you can steer me in the right direction.

    2 users thanked author for this post.
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  • #33916
     Cloe (CC) Webb 
    Managing Ambassador

    MANAGING AMBASSADOR

    Thank you for sharing with us Reg.    I can totally relate including having had to deal with certain growths that were in my case benign, but still called attention to the dysphoria I’ve felt.  We’re here for you and I am so happy that TGH has been able to reach the FtM population as well as it has.  The role the Heaven sites have played in my journey is immeasurable and I am so happy to be here for anyone who just wants to talk, express what is on their heart and find acceptance and validation.  We’re here to help you find the courage to steer your own ship.  It;s far more rewarding that way.

    Hugs, Ambassador Cloe

  • #33882
     Xelyn Craft 
    Participant

    BRONZE

    Hello Reg, I’d like to start by introducing myself. I am a pre-op trans-male as well. Being born in a female body was always uncomfortable for me and still is. I spent most of my childhood pretending I was a boy and then when puberty hit, loathing my body and it’s feminine aspects. I tried for a very long time to just work with a therapist to accept the body I was already in and love it, but was unsuccessful and went through many different counselors before finding one that suggested a transition instead. I am still deciding how I want to go about it but now realize that despite what I’ve been told my whole life, I am indeed male and have a need to be recognized as such, by others and myself. It’s a struggle. I have a very small network of support and no money at all to pursue a physical transition. My knowledge on the subject is also limited. However, everyone has to start somewhere. Right? I’m doing a lot of research, finding ways to save money, and trying to reach out to people on this site. I’m finally doing something about my gender dysphoria and making slow but sure progress moving forward. I believe that if that is what you want as well, you are perfectly capable of doing so. If you are unsure of what exactly you want, I suggest doing some research and talking with others who may know something about transitioning. I’m also here to support you, as well as many other’s on this site. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find what you are looking for as well as find the courage to pursue it.

    1 user thanked author for this post.

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