Addiction, Sexuality, Gender, and Fear

[Rikki]

Hello all,

I would like to declare that I have an addiction to a certain fetish, the sissy fetish, that I have for a while now, only engaged in while under the influence of very unhealthy and dangerous substance known for the unconcontrollable sexual desires it can spawn in its users.

I have also this year came out as non-binary, specifically gender-queer and can declare as well that wearing female clothes during the day and out in public feels right and comfortable for me and carries very little connection to that fetish.  However, it creates a large amount of anxiety and discomfort in other ways- I am very concerned of what people think.  And the only times I can be somewhat relaxed in public is if I’m out with a friend and then I can focus on just my friend.

I recently considered starting hormones, but decided to take a couple large steps back as I deal with my substance abuse, which has pretty much called the shots and left me as demoralized, defeated, and hopeless as I have ever been, and I’ve been in some bad spots- for the same reasons.

I have allowed fear, shame, and self-pity to weaken my ability to both have long term recovery as well as explore,  discover, and be who I really am, and whether that be in terms of sexuality or gender, or who I am internally and what I express externally.

I have a long way to go and I would like to apologize to the trans community on this site and outside for failing to come to terms with all of this in a way that is respectful and honors all groups and genders, especially those who show fearlessness everyday being who they are and are subject to abuse and discrimination for being that.

I pray that I may have some of the courage and resiliance that you have all showed and be able to demonstrate that as I continue forward.

 

[Michelle Lawson]

Rikki, i agree with you about dealing with substance abuse. That does nothing but cloud your decision making and effect how well any hormones would work. Substance abuse will never allow you the ability to blossom and shine and become the best person you can. And no need to apologize, we have all stumbled at some time, somewhere, and in front of someone….. Just keep picking yourself up, and moving forward…. Michelle

[Rikki]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you for the kind words.  I kind of wish the path forward was a bit easier to see sometimes, but I’m trying to put everything together that I’ve learned from my mistakes so far, plus what I’ve learned from people who have offered their guidance.  I did reschedule the appointment to talk about HRT with a doctor next week.</p>

[Chelle Johnson]

Though I’ve not been dealing with any drug issues I can say that acceptance is a big part of overcoming at least your fear of coming out. I’ve known a lot of people with drug problems over the years and again, realization and acceptance are extremely important there as well. Once you’ve accepted something then you are able to contend with it. I would suggest the normal routes of Al-Anon etc. I wish you the best in your journey!

[Rikki]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m still getting back up to my feet and am learning a great deal about myself as I do so,  both positive and negative.   I will blossom and learn from all the flowers and plants around me.  And I will use the pain and confusion for fertilizer for my own blossom and for any other plants and flowers I can help along the way- as you ladies do here with your posts and articles.</p>
Gratitude, love, and hope

Thank you for your comments and support.

[DeeAnn Hopings]

Rikki:

You are at the intersection of some powerful influences, and from my lay person’s view, they may well be intertwined with one another. I assume that you are seeking, or are working with, a therapist. I suggest being very forthcoming about how sexuality and gender identity sit for you as the potential linkage with addiction issues may be an important piece of information. Hopefully you can find a therapist that also has experience with sexuality and gender issues as well as addictive behavior.

Thanks for completing your Profile page! It really helps other members to understand your situation, where you struggle and where you are headed.

I am 72, so that means I am considerably older than you are. One gift of advancing age is that we begin to sort of what is truly important and what can be simply put down. While I do care about what those who are close to me think, anyone else is mostly irrelevant. I have no influence over what those others think of me and I refuse to allow that to change what I do. It is just not worth the investment of energy. Anyway, I hope that you come to realize this well before I did…

[Sarah Jane Booth]

Hi Sarah Jane booth.

After being raped before the age 10 years old.

I fear just about everything people going out if I have to

I used to feel great about myself I was a woman

Now I suffer with mental health problems I try to commit suicide

Nearly every day even though I am now 60 years old.

I wish those days would come back.

 

[Author]

Posts